New Blog!

Dear Readers,

I've decided to focus my efforts for awhile on my website blog if you would like to subscribe here and spread the word to your workplace I'd be truly grateful: http://www.samanthabiron.com/news/

I will be updating the blog with events I'll be hosting locally where I will be delivering motivational talks or facilitating workshops such as this one April 24th: http://takecontrolofyourlife.eventbrite.ca/

Themes focus on how to design your life as you want it and include some of the following areas:

• enhancing your relationships, 
• accomplishing your goals, 
• managing 'time' more efficiently (it's really about managing yourself!), 
• managing stress,
• handling difficult people & behaviours,
• communicating and listening more effectively,
• improving your self-confidence,
• overcoming fears and limiting beliefs that may be holding you back from really enjoying your life...

I hope you will join me online or in person.

Also, stay tuned for announcements regarding Harvest Noir 2012 as well as the creation of a special new web site... 

Samantha

Imagine seeing this!

Greg and I were recently in Montreal for a short getaway. We stayed downtown hotel and as I looked out the window I couldn't believe what I saw! 3000 people, all dressed in white, some in wedding gowns carrying tables, chairs and picnic baskets converged in the park across the street. We were so curious we went out and asked what was going on. They explained that they were carrying out a 23 year old Parisian tradition where a flash mob of people gathered for a chic al fresco picnic followed by dancing and entertainment!

The event was carried out with great decorum and when the picnic was over, everyone cleaned up after their own tables and then the party began and everyone danced to a kick-ass DJ till about 11pm. When they left, the park was immaculate. It was beyond cool and Greg thought, hey, why not bring this to Ottawa!

So we have!

Saturday, October 15th from 4pm - 11pm
Dress in your chicest black attire
Bring your own locally harvested food picnic feast
Invite 6 or 7 friends to join you in a pot luck picnic at your table.
Register here before September 28th: http://fs4.formsite.com/harvestnoir/form1/index.html
Below are the answers to the most frequently asked questions:

What is Harvest Noir?       
Harvest Noir is a chic “dress your best in black” picnic feast celebrating the autumn harvest with food from local farms. It includes many surprises and live musical performances by a dance-oriented parade band, followed by a dance reception with a fabulous DJ, world-class circus performers and other innovative surprises.

When is Harvest Noir?       
Harvest Noir will take place Saturday October 15 from 4-11pm. Previously, the event had been advertised for Sunday, October 16, 2011. The date has been moved to accommodate many prospective guests who had trouble getting baby-sitters on a Sunday evening.

Where is Harvest Noir?      
The venue is one of the most architecturally important and stunning spaces in Canada, but we won’t tell you more than that right now – the secret location will be disclosed a few hours prior to the event. Let’s just say that you are going to be very pleased to get to dance in a very special space that you normally have to pay to visit. The picnic portion will be held outdoors while the reception will be held indoors.

Who is invited?              
Up to 185 chefs de table, the VIP’s of the evening, will host tables of 8 (in total), inviting select friends and acquaintances for an evening of dining and dancing! Already registered are members of the media and the food, art and fashion communities.

Why attend Harvest Noir?
Harvest Noir is a unique opportunity to dress up creatively and inaugurate a remarkable new tradition with hundreds of other guests, feast on locally harvested food of our choosing with friends and community, while enjoying fabulous live entertainment, surprises and dance! Besides, our city badly needs newsworthy proof that we are capable of dressing to the nines: Ottawa has just been voted as the 8th worse-dressed city in the world, ranked worse than Jersey Shore - http://travel.ca.msn.com/photogallery.aspx?cp-documentid=30567563&page=3.

When should I register?    
Before September 28^th!

Where do I register?          
Register securely for the guestlist using this form:http://fs4.formsite.com/harvestnoir/form1/index.html

How much does it cost? 
$37 + tax. As you can imagine, there are great expenses associated with putting on this event – including top-quality DJ, band, and circus performers, plus rental fee for the indoor and  outdoor venue, insurance, sound system, lighting, cloakroom, security, and tables for the picnic.  A minimum of 500 attendees is required in order to proceed with the event. We’re aiming for this to become a recurring yearly event and we can only make this happen if everyone participates by inviting guests.

How do we reach 1000 guests?   

• Please Like us and ask your guests to like us on Facebook here:https://www.facebook.com/harvestnoir?ref=ts
•  Follow updates on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/harvestnoir
• Send invitations to friends, family, acquaintances – anyone with a sense of adventure whose company and conversation you enjoy.
• If one or more of your friends are “social butterflies” with lots of fun friends and would make great chefs de table as well (eg. with their table next to yours), you can suggest them to the event organizers at info@harvestnoir.com
• Send us any other creative promotional suggestions as well at info@harvestnoir.com

Where do the proceeds go?          
After paying the costs of the event, a percentage of proceeds will go to BioRegional North America, a not-for-profit organization whose mission is to facilitate the development of the greenest sustainable communities across Canada and the United States. Learn more here: http://www.bioregional.com/about-us/around-the-world/bioregional-north-america/ The Mysterious Events Company will retain an event management fee for organizing all of the evening’s logistics.

Who is hosting this event?           
The Mysterious Events Company, headed by Ringmaster Greg Searle and Ringmistress Samantha Biron, with a crew of terrific helpers.

What inspired this event?            
A 23-year tradition of genteel annual picnic dining and partying that originated in Paris and has been imported to Lyon, Amsterdam, Munich, Zurich, Berlin, New York City and Montreal.

What do I wear?                          
Guests must dress their best in black, head to toe. Be creative, be bold, with a retro-elegant theme wherever possible.  Men, tuxedos are not necessary, but you will need to be inventive. Women are welcome to wear ball gowns, cocktail dresses or classy pant suits. Hats are not necessary but also encouraged for men and women! Here is a list of helpful links:

• Fashionable ladies HATS:http://www.chapeauxdemadeleine.ca/eng/homepage.htm
• Men’s formal wear: http://www.morrisformalwear.com/

What happens if it rains? 
In 23 years there has never been rain for a chic picnic! However, if Ottawa’s weather system conspires to break this streak, and we are blessed with moderate rain, guests will be encouraged to participate (as in other cities) with umbrellas. (We’re Canadians, a little October rain won’t stop us!) In the event of unbearable weather, guests will be advised that the picnic portion of the event is cancelled and we will proceed with the dance reception only but will still include the scheduled picnic entertainment.

How do I register as a Chef de Table or as a guest?
The registration form allows you to choose. You can sign up by yourself or with a friend and ask to be assigned to a table. You can indicate that you have been invited by a friend of yours who has already registered as a chef de table, so that you can join his or her table of friends. Or, you can apply yourself to be a VIP chef de table who will host up to 7 guests at your table.

What do I bring?
Chairs: The hosts will provide the tables (in other cities guests brought their own). Unless you hear otherwise, plan to bring folding chairs (not the canvas type). For those of you travelling by public transit, guests in other cities sometimes employed small folding luggage trolleys to help them convey picnic basket and chairs in a manageable package. Your chef de table will help you make arrangements.
Food: Preparing your fine dinner at home and toting it to the venue in a picnic basket, to be relished outdoors in the company of other bon vivants is an important part of the European chic picnic tradition. In the coming weeks, event organizers will be sending guests recipe tips and ideas for buying and preparing local food from the chefs of some of the region’s finest restaurants. Your chef de table has the option of coordinating food brought by all 8 diners at the table, creating a miniature “potluck”.
Place Settings: Diners also bring place settings, crystal, candles, and anything else needed to make the table as elegant and comfortable as possible, coordinated by the chef de table.

What about Parking?
Cost of parking is not included. There are at least 3 parking lots within close proximity of the event to choose from, starting at under $10 a day.

What about Car Pooling?
In the interests of trying to lower the environmental footprint of the event, we are encourage those guests arriving by car to car-pool. Additional information will be sent out to those guests who elect on the registration form to participate in car-pooling.

As Overheard by Ashiah this evening...

Age 3.75

Ashiah: I'm going to read the menu!

Me: What menu?

Ashiah: The one in the bathroom, this one. (holding Hello magazine) The one with the princess getting married. 

----------------------------------------------

Background: Just bought Ashiah a new princess book that comes with dress and crown. Ashiah asks me to install the crown, so to secure it I scoop up some hair on top of her head and tie it in a pony tail that sticks up.

Ashiah: M-O-O-M! I can't wear my hair like this. I look like Who Ville. (aka Cindy Lou)

--------------------------------------------------

36 Letters...

Let me tell you about a 23 year old woman who sat alone crying in a small 3 room apartment in a dicey neighborhood of Old Hull. It was 1996 and she stared aimlessly at the remains of her life up until then - an antique table, some reupholstered chairs and a few boxes of treasures. She had, quite literally, just left her whole life behind; husband, family, friends, community, beliefs, everything and everyone in the hope that perhaps, just maybe, she might find something out there that would make her happier. She had but one friend, a work colleague and on him and herself she relied for the strength to see her through the initial transition from a sheltered world to one that would open her up to new discoveries, danger and opportunities that she might never have imagined.

Fast forward to the year 2004, after several failed relationships and many twists and turns, she felt she could no longer cope with this new world she'd propelled herself into. No stranger to leaving it all behind, she simply woke up one day and drove clear across the country, armed with a plan to end it all, far away from anyone she cared about so as not to hurt them. She found herself in Banff, Alberta and here she thought, would be the end of her life's journey. As she settled down on an embankment by the Bow River after having hiked a long way through the woods, she held the formula to end her pain in one hand and stared aimlessly out to the river, tears streaming down her face, filled with an emptiness that to this day is inexplicable. Just then, she heard a rustling at the top of the muddy embankment behind her. She looked about a meter up into a bright evening sun and there she saw the imposing silhouette of an elk with antlers like the branches of a naked maple tree, majestically standing there looking down upon her. He was much taller than she in height and could have easily trampled her but instead, he just stood there, watching over her in silence. And as she looked back at him, an inner calm washed over her and it was as though someone had waved a magic wand as her eyes opened up to the overwhelming beauty surrounding her. Suddenly she could hear the water flow past her, feel the wind rustling through the forest framed by magnificent blue mountains and the smells... the air smelled spectacular. She was soon distracted by family of elks across the river who were watering their young, unafraid of her presence and as she looked up again she saw that the great elk was gone. And it was in that moment that she knew that life was too beautiful to throw away and that there was much left to experience, to learn, to give and to live.

That day, she made a decision to change the way she experienced this great gift we call life. She knew that whatever happened, she would never go back to a dark place again and that somehow, she would embrace the new path she had chosen and make decisions that would guide her towards a life filled with laughter, purpose and perhaps even love. She would no longer just let things happen to her but rather she would make them happen, choosing people along the way from whom she could learn and with whom she could share the gifts that nature bestowed upon her.

May 18, 2011 marked the 38th anniversary of her birth, 15 years after her decision to step into a new world and 7 years after that fateful day in Banff. She had lunch with an old dear friend and felt comforted by his words of wisdom and kind face as they ate overlooking the Rideau Canal.  She spent the rest of the day in reflection as she put behind her a tough 37th year that marked several struggles but more importantly physical and emotional hurdles due to the loss of a baby boy that she misses every day...

The evening she spent celebrating with the very special man with whom she now shares her life and the father of the best gift life has ever bestowed upon her - her amazing daughter Ashiah. She returned home after a delectable meal and a fun filled walk, stopping off to listen to some impromptu jazz and to say hello to a good friend. Feeling most content, she readied herself to fall asleep but her beloved had a surprise for her. He filled the room with candle light and proceeded to hand her a beautifully carved, 100 year old wooden box and said to open it's drawers. As she opened the third drawer, she saw that it was filled with several sheets of what looked like letters on old yellow parchment. He then instructed her to read one page at a time and left the room.

It was then, at midnight on her 38th birthday, that Samantha began to read 36 letters by candle light that would once again, impact her in a life-changing way. The first letter was addressed to her from 'we' and introduced the 36 individual letters that would follow from friends and family that wrote how she had somehow touched their lives and why she was loved by them. Samantha sat until early morning, both laughing and crying as she read incredible heartfelt words that have left their indelible mark on her heart forever; reminding her of why life truly is beautiful and how fortunate she is to have not but a handful, but several hands full of wonderful, caring, inspiring, beautiful, amazing people in her life.

Thank you for having started this 38th year of my life on a most exquisite note and thank you for giving me the privilege of being in your life and for sharing your gifts with me.

And thank you to my amazingly loving, passionate, accepting life partner Greg for reminding me every day that life truly is beautiful.

Samantha

A Very Lovely Way to Remember...

I awoke to a beautiful day as sunlight poured through the window illuminating Ashiah's serene face as she slept between Greg and I, having crawled in with us early morning as she often does. We had slept in, a luxury that doesn't happen very often anymore. 

We decided that it was a pancakes kind of morning and as Ashiah and I began to mix the ingredients we realized that we were 'sans' eggs. My first thought (and I feel lucky that it was), was to call the neighbors down the road who have chickens to see if we might borrow an egg. As Greg was busy planting the new fruit trees that arrived yesterday, Ashiah and I skipped merrily down the road to fetch an egg, still warm from the fat biddy whom we coaxed out of her nest when we opened the door. We mingled for awhile with our great neighbors and then made our way back home, stopping here and there to check out the cool line formations on the nearly frozen pond. 

Once home, Greg was ready to plant the tree we had decided we would plant as a family today. It is a Weeping Willow that we chose earlier this summer in honor of Zephyr, so thoughtfully given to us by Greg's new tree farm friend near Montreal as a gift. We grabbed shovels and headed down by the water's edge where the three of us took turns digging, holding the willow and then pouring dirt and leaves on it. As we planted, the Canadian Snowbirds soared in formation above us in honor of remembrance day. I thought of my grandfather who served in the first war and I thought of family. I thought of Zephyr and how he soon would have been part of our lives. And I watched fondly as Greg and Ashiah looked for the planes on the dock and I felt fortunate. 

We feasted on pancakes and Ashiah and I took a fabulous nap in our sun soaked loft bedroom and it was nothing short of heavenly. I then took Ashiah to the Museum of Nature where we were joined by my father who couldn't possibly decline Ashiah's invitation to join us by phone, 'Grandpa I'd like you to come' and after viewing cool dinosaurs, whales and other mammals, we settled comfortably in the theater downstairs to enjoy the Sound of Music together. It is a moment I will never forget... sharing a movie I've loved for so long with my daughter and father. I was so happy. 

After enjoying a less than healthy but tasty meal at the local diner, a very happy Ashiah and Mommy made our way home where we collected Daddy who was working at the restaurant near home and I ended my day with a warm bath while Daddy and Ashiah read books as Ashiah nestled herself on a special bed on the sofa to mark the special day.

It was a very good day... a lovely way to remember both the freedom we are so fortunate to have and what matters most in life, those we love.

Cathartic Writing...

Has been awhile since my last post. I think I needed a break from thinking about things, perhaps time to let go of the summer. But here I am tonight, head full of thoughts and I feel like writing.

It is week 3 of Greg's relentless travels - he was in Washington then, Mexico last week then left for Portland Monday morning where he'll be till tomorrow, then Seattle then Vancouver. He comess back on weekends at least but still tough. Off again to Edmonton next week and then a week's reprieve then Chicago for a week. We miss him. Ashiah often sleeps with me when her Daddy's away and it's as much for me as it is for her I think. The house is quiet... tidier :)... but lonelier.

But space as a couple I think is also good - good to experience things apart sometimes and have interesting stories to relate. I watched the movie 'Date Night' the other night and aside from it being pretty amusing, I think most parents would relate to how things can at times become mundane in the daily routine unless you make an effort to try new things. In that regard though, I think Greg and I will be okay. We actually aspire to mundane right now :)  Am proud of our relationship, proud of the ridiculous storms we've weathered in so few years together, proud of the work we've put in and the mutual love that continues to grow.

Speaking of storms, I've been in a slump for awhile but am feeling on the mend again this week. A friend of mine gave birth to a beautiful healthy baby boy a few weeks ago. I went to see her with Ashiah who was fascinated and it somehow brought it all back... When I asked her how she could be so energetic she said that her whole birth lasted 2 hours and that she barely had time to catch the baby under water. Now there is no question that I would also be glowing and happy after such an idyllic experience but as it happens, I've had two very non-idyllic birth experiences, one with a happy ending (for which am beyond grateful) and one not.

And so I fell into a rather terrible low, reliving the brutal 16 hour ordeal July 1rst and 2nd with the horrific outcome over and over in my mind... I began to miss my baby terribly and question my plumbing and overall use as a woman. I began to think that twice now I would have likely died giving birth and as my doctor told me last week, thanks to medical advancements, I have been granted life, even when my baby was not so lucky. I thought of all the mothers around the world who have not been so lucky to live...of their pain, of the 3 hours I suffered in agony until they were able to give me stronger drugs and how others have not had this option. But mostly, I thought of Zephyr. I miss him. Greg misses him too. I went to visit his grave for the first time two weeks ago and in some small way, it felt good to be near him again. But we are still very sad...

There are a few things I feel like saying. They are not intended to anyone reading this by the way because I don't even know who reads this. I just need to get them out therapeutically speaking I guess.

The first is that many people don't and will never 'get it'. Miscarriage in the first trimester is indeed a common occurrence and I think is often regarded as an 'oh that's too bad' but definitely not the way one might view someone who's carried their baby to term and lost it later. I now view this very differently but perspective is everything isn't it? To some it is a very hard loss and to others not as much. A long-standing friend recently asked me how I was doing and I told her that I was having a tough time lately with the loss. Her response was 'Well get over it. You could have cancer and no hair'. I told her I'd take the bald head to have my baby back. But her response was difficult for me to process on two counts. The first is that she also miscarried, albeit many moons ago but it didn't appear to have been as traumatic an event for her. The second is that she has always said that it doesn't matter how someone else views what you're going through, what matters is that it's real to you and therefore it should be dealt with accordingly. Suffice to say that I decided this would be my last attempt to discuss it. But then I had an interesting conversation with a very sweet friend this evening who also miscarried in her first trimester a couple years ago.

She said that one of the biggest differences with my experience was that aside from it being in the second trimester it was a long painful birth. And she explained that in the breastfeeding league she belongs to, women offer suffer post-traumatic stress after difficult births even when there is a happy outcome because it is very difficult to process, like any painful incident (such as perhaps getting hit by a car or something.) She said that having gone through such physical pain and then a painful emotional outcome that it's no wonder that I'm still processing and likely will for a long-time to come. This was relieving to hear amidst the various 'well intended' comments I've received.

The second thing I want to share is what not to say to someone who has just lost a baby, in any trimester, whether a long birth or a quick loss, the outcome is the same.

1) It was God's will or God took him to heaven or God will resurrect him. - Really? If he did take him then God is an insensitive asshole. And what would God do with a bunch of fetuses in heaven may I ask? And how would he resurrect a fetus? What of the woman who lost 5 babies. Will she suddenly be impregnated with all 5 again? These were by far the most infuriating comments. I don't believe that it's anymore God's will or doing than it is that existing children are molested, beaten or killed. Unless you're God, don't speak for him.

2) It wasn't meant to be or it was for the best. - Really? What is meant to be then? Is it meant to be when a child is born limbless or with a fatal disease? Is that for the best? How do you know what's best for our family? Do I know what's best for yours?

3) Why don't you just have another one? - It isn't like buying a new fish or a new car. It's a child. He was our child. He was our son. He was a very active baby who liked to do somersaults and we watched him and loved him on a screen for a total of about 5 hours in those 4 months as the doctors tried to figure out what was going on with the pregnancy. He can not and will not ever be replaced even if we do someday have another baby. It is a very insensitive thing to say.

4) Get over it, you could have something worse... - Think back to someone you cared about who died in the last few years. Are you over it yet? Does thinking of people who are worse off than you make it better or lessen the pain? Or perhaps just depress you more? It's not helpful.

Here is a list of the comments that did however touch us and were helpful:

• 'I'm not in your shoes or I've never been through this but I can imagine how very difficult this must be or have been to go through.'
• 'We're very sad for you and that you are living this terrible loss'. 
• 'If you want to talk or cry I'm here'.
• 'We are thinking of you and we love you.'
• 'I know you are strong but I also know that you can't always be and you're allowed to feel sad or angry or betrayed or tired. I am here'.
• 'Do whatever it takes to get through this'.
• 'Am dropping everything to spend the day with you. We can talk about it or not talk. Whatever you need I'm here'.
• 'It was utterly unfair that you had to go through the physical pain as well as this terrible loss. We are so sorry.'

Also, within the first few months, even if it looks like everything's okay or back to normal, it's not. She may just be putting on a brave face and being a strong mother but inside there's a huge piece missing and she is coping however best she can and keeps her sobs private. I think I was on auto pilot till the end of August. Guilt, whether rational or not is a huge emotion after this because it is a mother's job to take care of her baby. And although different for him, he is coping and missing too. He may pour himself into a million chores so as not to have to talk about it or cope with it because he has just been through a life altering experience - in Greg's case where he held his dead baby in his arms after being so excited to welcome him into his life. 

Life altering. It has been. That we are still sad doesn't mean that we don't appreciate all that we have or that we don't think of those who don't. And it doesn't mean that we're not happy either because in many ways, I think our family is happier and closer now than it has been in a long-time. But even through the mind of a busy, happy 3 year old who hasn't been told how to process anything or field any comments, it's been almost 4 months and she still asks, often before bed: 'Mummy, where's my baby brother? Why is he outside in the dark? Is he scared? Is he cold?...  Mummy... can you sing the Zephyr song please.'

A Very Good Day

Despite the fact that I have the flu and that Greg is away, I have to say that today turned out to be the BEST  day.

I awoke to kisses and cuddles from Ashiah who was in a very good mood. We got to school on time and for the first time, she didn't cry and was happy to take her teacher's hand and go into class. It was wonderful!

I came home, did some work and then went to bed for several hours to ward off this flu. I awoke to a sun filled room and the silhouette of the trees across a blue sky outside my window. Then my Dad called just to check in and tell me he loves me. I went outside, sat in the garden with my coffee and fed my Chippie Chip (chipmunk) and today he let me pet him. When he was done filling his face, he climbed my back and sat on my shoulder and we enjoyed the swaying flowers in the warm breeze together.

At 4:00 I picked up a very happy little girl who was so proud of her school day. Two of her teachers came to greet me and shared stories of Ashiah's fun filled day and it warmed my heart. We came home and I made a fabulous authentic pasta dish with fresh basil from my garden and Ashiah and I shared an al fresco meal together. As she inhaled her meal, Ashiah came up for air long enough to say "Thank you Mummy for making this yummy pasta supper."

Then the Chippie joined us and a very delighted Ashiah hand fed and pet him and then we jumped and frolicked together on the trampoline awhile. Then we went for a walk to see the chickens up the road - well I walked she sat on my shoulders. We then capped the evening off by sitting on the dock and watching the lightning streak across the sky in the distance over a mirror-like river. Sitting in the stillness and enjoying such beauty with my beautiful daughter filled me with peace and gratitude.

After a bath and talking to Daddy on the phone (he's in Edmonton), we read a story and Ashiah fell asleep without a fuss, but not before I thanked her for having shared such a wonderful day with her. Her response was the best: "Thank you too Mommy, I had a lovely day too. I love you." It doesn't get any better than that.

I am the happiest woman alive tonight.