Is this the baby I brought home?

I was looking at my daughter today with a mixture of happiness and melancholy. She has turned into such a little girl already - determined, full of life, of hope and spirit.

She already has very strong opinions for an almost 17 mth old. There are 2 words that first come out of her mouth from the moment she wakes up: shoes and baby. We must wear our shoes and we must always have our baby along with an assortment of stuffed toys. We must have "gooey" every morning.(code name for yogurt) We must watch "Mambo" several times a week (although we are currently on Mambo detox - Mambo is Happy Feet the movie.) We are addicted to cheese and feeding the kitty, which mostly consists of feeding the floor. We like wearing summer hats but hate our winter one. We love shoes but dislike boots. We sing Twinkle Twinkle little star and can now identify a roster of animals, like elephant which we pronounce "ananas" which means pineapple in French. We completely understand the meaning of "Uh oh", words that are often followed by an "oh no" by Mummy. We also understand when Dada's away on a plane and have become quite adept at talking to Dada on Skype. All in all it's amazing to watch her.

And we are heavier and taller and I no longer carry a baby in my arms. I now pick up a little girl. And it seems like just yesterday that I was staring at that pink stick announcing her soon-to-be arrival. Yesterday that this tiny little being started sucking on me for sustenance and I thought "whoa, this feels very strange". And that feeling was quickly replaced by a feeling that I was home; that together we were home. As the expression goes "home is where the heart is". And my heart is most certainly with her, Ashiah, my daughter. Wow. I am now the mother of a little girl. :)

Rainy days and Daddy blues

This is Ashiah having just made blueberry pancakes with Mummy and then ate said pancakes and rubbed the maple syrup throughout her hair. Good thing she's cute.

It's the first time Greg has been away for a long period in a few months now. Usually I'm rushing about madly trying to get the to do list done but today it is gray and rainy and potential playmates were all sick so Ashiah and I stayed in. There was a definite absence in the cabin today despite Ashiah and I sharing a few laughs and lots of playtime.

I remember when I was pregnant and Greg would go away and I would really miss him. I would busy myself to not dwell on it. But now I have a little girl who misses her Daddy and reminds me every hour on the hour and sometimes for several minutes at a time.

As she sat across from me at the dinner table in a 'big person chair' she was busying herself and suddenly looked up at me and said "Dada?" I said "Yes, Dada is away right now" and she kept asking "Dada?" So I said "Dada is in the car" to which she repeated "Dada is in the car?" "Yes he is pumpkin" I answered, astonished that she had repeated verbatim. She then repeated "Dada/car" about 20 times and finally paused and looked down and I thought to myself "thank God because she's making me miss him too." And then she looked up at me again, with her beautiful blue eyes, so earnest and said "Dada?" And I felt the tears swell up and seep down my cheeks. "Yes love, Dada is in the car, far away, but he'll be back soon."

I text'ed Dada who happened to be on a beach in Point Reyes resting up after traveling 3 cities in 3 days and he immediately called home and baby and Mama were very happy to hear his voice. Baby and Mama then spent the rest of the evening playing inside a cardboard house (Ashiah sized of course) and baby and Mama felt peaceful having touched base with the third leg of our tripod.

Saturday Mornings

Something nice about Saturday mornings in our house.
Sleeping in.
No rushing about to get ready.
Music is playing.
Blueberry pancakes.
A happy giggling baby running in and out from under Mommy and Daddy's legs.

It's raining outside, but today, it's sunny in our cabin.

I know, it's been a ridiculously long-time...

I'm sure that blog etiquette dictates that one must blog on at the very least on a weekly basis as opposed to this 3 month lapse of mine. I've just been soooo busy. No really, you don't understand busy until you have a 1 year old. (As I type this, Ashiah has climbed onto the dining room table, helped herself to some trail mix, found the miscellaneous tray and put a battery, some nail clippers, 2 thumbtacks and some lipstick into her mouth. I quickly returned her to the floor but she's back up again and I'm about to give up writing to commence the bed-time ritual. She's very determined. After a temper tantrum and a wrestling match, Ashiah now only wearing her socks, is back up on the table. Is there such a thing as Terrible 1's? Or is she early? I'll try this again when she's in bed...

1.5 hrs later... where was I? Right. I really don't have time to write this now as I still have to study for the course I'm giving tomorrow, but what the heck. Let me tell you about today and you will suddenly understand how one day falls into the next and I barely have time to breathe sometimes let alone blog.

I'm teaching everyday this week, a 5-day work week (normally I work 3) and I'm teaching 4 courses, 3 of which bilingually, starting at 9:00AM. I've managed to be out the door by 8AM this week to drop Ashiah off at daycare as Greg is in Washington.

As I was about to leave this morning (at 8), no keys. Where are my keys? I never lose my keys. They are always on the front entrance table... until Ashiah steals them. Look everywhere... breathe... look everywhere... realize Ashiah has definitely taken them and hidden them... losing air ... panicking ... tears swelling... oh God, it's 8:30, I'm a mess, Ashiah's now crying and I have to tell my boss that I won't be there to teach in half an hour despite the 10 students waiting. Nightmare. She tells me to keep looking and maybe she'll send someone to come get me. She tells me to be calm and compose myself yet her voice is high-pitched and she's speaking very quickly and sounds like she's out of breath. I feel awful for stressing her out like this.

I keep looking. My house now looks as though it's been burglarized. I've looked EVERYWHERE. I'm on my hands and knees thinking like a one year old... where would I put them if I were 1. Despondent I finally try calling a taxi and they tell me it's 25 mins to get to me. I tell them it takes me 20 to get to Ottawa and they are leaving from Hull (closer). Fine, I'll think of something else.

I call the daycare and they so kindly agree to come and pick Ashiah up for me. Great! One down. I then call my neighbor and she finds me a car, well a van for the day that I can borrow. (I have a rule about vans but who cares! I'd borrow a horse at this point!

So in the end I made it to work, 15 mins late, frazzled, but I made it. $70 later though. (I bought 3 bottles of wine, 2 for the families who helped with the car situation, 1 for my fabulous daycare couple and 1 for ME and paid $20 gas for the van.) Yes, this is how much your child can cost you by playing with your keys.

I continued my search this evening. I scoured the kitchen, dining, laundry, living, and bath rooms, the front entrance and Ashiah's room. In the end, as I was changing her diaper, I thought to look behind the change table. Voila.

Advice to new moms or moms to be: buy a hook, don't leave keys on table.

Good thing she's cute. Very cute.

A little girl, cushions and knobs

What happens when babies turn 1? It's like overnight my baby has turned into a little girl. She's become so busy it's amazing, never stops moving, very smiley, very bright-eyed and into everything. And chatty! Oh my. She now has a small roster of words but uses them at every opportunity. 'Dada, Mama, Uh oh, Hat, Up, Tee' (for Kitty) and likely some Polish words she's learning at daycare but we don't understand them. She also raises her arms in the air now when we ask if she's 'all done'. She's unbearably cute and also exhausting. I'm sitting here with a glass of wine trying to recall the last time I sat down and relaxed today. Oh yeah, that's right, I didn't.

But I did manage to accomplish something very fun today. I decided yesterday to redecorate the bedroom, went shopping and bought a bunch of new 'stuff'. Fun 'stuff'. Of course there's the long cherished thoughts of building the addition etc. but right now time and finances don't permit so I decided to 'splurge' a little on the bedroom. There's nothing like a nice plush, well appointed bed and the feeling of 'ahhh' when you go down. I carefully chose a duvet that was just the right temperature and the right filling for Greg's allergies. We also now have his/her pillows, his is flat as a pancake because he sleeps on his stomach and mine has a groove in it because I'm often on my side. Then there are the decorative ones and of course, typical male response 'but if we're not going to sleep on them what are they for? It's like a hotel, all those un-necessary cushions...pause (seeing expression on Sam's face...) but they really are lovely bebe." Unh huh. Nice recovery. "Oh and I'd like to paint the dresser Greg". Typical male response: "Why? There are so many other more pressing things...pause...(seeing look on Sam's face)...but of course if it will make you happy we definitely should bebe." "Nice backtracking" I said, and we both laughed. In the end I've decided to just change the knobs on that dresser. Sometimes it just seems like the tiniest changes can make the biggest difference. I now feel like I can breathe in there. And breathing for Mommies is good. Just ask Daddy. :)

Ashiah turned 1!

It's been almost a month since my last entry. I've simply been overwhelmed, there's been no time.

Last Tuesday Ashiah turned a year old. I can't believe she's a toddler now, the time has flown by. She is an amazing little girl, so much personality and energy and life. The love of our lives. We marked the occasion with Grandpa and Grandma Searle, Aunt Noelene and Uncle Nate and Aunt Sara, Cousins Jericho and Malachi in a hotel room in St. Catherine's.

Sadly, the occasion was overshadowed by the illness of Greg's Uncle as we were with his family in St. Catharine's to bid Glen (Greg's Uncle) farewell. He found out less than a month ago that he had cancer. It's very sudden and very sad. Overall he was in good health and only 56 with a 16 year old daughter and a 20 year old son. He was devoted to his family and his work. Watching someone fade away so quickly like that is very difficult. He died this past Saturday morning. His last words to us before we left were "look after that little girl of yours, she's lovely". That she is...

Then Saturday evening, my own Uncle Alan died. He was 62. He had a heart attack while helping my father move. He died in my father's arms as he tried to revive him. My poor father was overcome and felt responsible. We spent Sunday helping him with the rest of his move and going to my Uncle's house to return his van and be with my two cousins who also just lost their mother (my aunt) in March.

All of this sadness and death makes you think of your own mortality, what's important and how not to live for one's retirement but to cherish every moment we can of every day. Although the last week has been insane with me going back to work, Greg being away for work and our trying to support family, we've both made time in the evening to leave everything behind and play with Ashiah - we went for a family canoe and watched the sunset Sunday night before Ashiah went to bed and then we both worked till 3. But the canoe was great, playing on the dock with Ashiah, throwing rocks - that's what it's all about. Last night Ashiah and I played on the trampoline and went for a walk up the road as the sun was setting. We picked flowers, picked up rocks, played tag and giggled. It was beautiful, so beautiful we did it again tonight and met up with Daddy on the road as he came home from Chicago. Ashiah squealed with delight and nestled on his chest and I had tears in my eyes... I love my family.

Life is beautiful.

Daycare...

It was Ashiah's first official day at day care today. I spent a couple hours there with her last Thursday and Friday and she stayed without me for 2 hrs yesterday which went so well we decided to try it a little longer today. My goal was 4 hrs but it ended up being 6. I was a mess by 2. I called about 4 times. Thankfully Aleksandra, the provider, was very patient and understanding having been unable to find a daycare she liked for her own daughter, she quit her day job at Bell to open up this eco friendly daycare. She's simply lovely and Ashiah is already taken with her, much to my happiness, relief and misery.

First I decided to take advantage of my new found freedom today (Greg's in Washington on business) and go for breakfast. I was fine for the first 20 minutes and then guilt set in. I worried that she was crying and miserable without me, especially for nap time. Then I started to really miss her and disliked this new found freedom. I called and was told she went down in 10 minutes which was a relief. Great, I'll go home and get lots done, moreover I'll run to Rona and pick up some things. Newsflash, it's Quebec's national holiday today so it was closed. No problem, lots to do at home. Here I go....whaaaa. I lost it. I was sobbing. I had to call someone but since I felt like a loser I called Greg's voice mail and sobbed on it. He called me back an hour later when he was out of his meeting to console me and tell me I was normal and that he loved me and although I had stopped crying for a whole half hour I started crying again. But I got lots done. I cried as I weeded my garden, I cried as I did the laundry and I cried as I took out the recycling. I later called to check in for the 900th time and could hear Ashiah in Aleksandra's arms babbling happily and although this made me smile, I hung up and cried again. My baby is happy with another woman, whaaaaa.

Good grief.

But when I picked her up she was all smiles to see me, I got lots of hugs and cuddles and after a quick nursing she wanted to go back and play. So all in all I'm thankful that it's going so well especially since I've given myself all of July to integrate her and am only scheduled to work 2 days until August. Great, now I have a whole month to cry it out so I don't end up a blubbering fool at work. It is only for 3 days a week but they're going to feel like weeks with all I get done without my baby around. I realized just how much of my time she truly takes and just how productive I can be again.

But I wouldn't trade this time with her for years of productive days.