A little girl, cushions and knobs

What happens when babies turn 1? It's like overnight my baby has turned into a little girl. She's become so busy it's amazing, never stops moving, very smiley, very bright-eyed and into everything. And chatty! Oh my. She now has a small roster of words but uses them at every opportunity. 'Dada, Mama, Uh oh, Hat, Up, Tee' (for Kitty) and likely some Polish words she's learning at daycare but we don't understand them. She also raises her arms in the air now when we ask if she's 'all done'. She's unbearably cute and also exhausting. I'm sitting here with a glass of wine trying to recall the last time I sat down and relaxed today. Oh yeah, that's right, I didn't.

But I did manage to accomplish something very fun today. I decided yesterday to redecorate the bedroom, went shopping and bought a bunch of new 'stuff'. Fun 'stuff'. Of course there's the long cherished thoughts of building the addition etc. but right now time and finances don't permit so I decided to 'splurge' a little on the bedroom. There's nothing like a nice plush, well appointed bed and the feeling of 'ahhh' when you go down. I carefully chose a duvet that was just the right temperature and the right filling for Greg's allergies. We also now have his/her pillows, his is flat as a pancake because he sleeps on his stomach and mine has a groove in it because I'm often on my side. Then there are the decorative ones and of course, typical male response 'but if we're not going to sleep on them what are they for? It's like a hotel, all those un-necessary cushions...pause (seeing expression on Sam's face...) but they really are lovely bebe." Unh huh. Nice recovery. "Oh and I'd like to paint the dresser Greg". Typical male response: "Why? There are so many other more pressing things...pause...(seeing look on Sam's face)...but of course if it will make you happy we definitely should bebe." "Nice backtracking" I said, and we both laughed. In the end I've decided to just change the knobs on that dresser. Sometimes it just seems like the tiniest changes can make the biggest difference. I now feel like I can breathe in there. And breathing for Mommies is good. Just ask Daddy. :)

Ashiah turned 1!

It's been almost a month since my last entry. I've simply been overwhelmed, there's been no time.

Last Tuesday Ashiah turned a year old. I can't believe she's a toddler now, the time has flown by. She is an amazing little girl, so much personality and energy and life. The love of our lives. We marked the occasion with Grandpa and Grandma Searle, Aunt Noelene and Uncle Nate and Aunt Sara, Cousins Jericho and Malachi in a hotel room in St. Catherine's.

Sadly, the occasion was overshadowed by the illness of Greg's Uncle as we were with his family in St. Catharine's to bid Glen (Greg's Uncle) farewell. He found out less than a month ago that he had cancer. It's very sudden and very sad. Overall he was in good health and only 56 with a 16 year old daughter and a 20 year old son. He was devoted to his family and his work. Watching someone fade away so quickly like that is very difficult. He died this past Saturday morning. His last words to us before we left were "look after that little girl of yours, she's lovely". That she is...

Then Saturday evening, my own Uncle Alan died. He was 62. He had a heart attack while helping my father move. He died in my father's arms as he tried to revive him. My poor father was overcome and felt responsible. We spent Sunday helping him with the rest of his move and going to my Uncle's house to return his van and be with my two cousins who also just lost their mother (my aunt) in March.

All of this sadness and death makes you think of your own mortality, what's important and how not to live for one's retirement but to cherish every moment we can of every day. Although the last week has been insane with me going back to work, Greg being away for work and our trying to support family, we've both made time in the evening to leave everything behind and play with Ashiah - we went for a family canoe and watched the sunset Sunday night before Ashiah went to bed and then we both worked till 3. But the canoe was great, playing on the dock with Ashiah, throwing rocks - that's what it's all about. Last night Ashiah and I played on the trampoline and went for a walk up the road as the sun was setting. We picked flowers, picked up rocks, played tag and giggled. It was beautiful, so beautiful we did it again tonight and met up with Daddy on the road as he came home from Chicago. Ashiah squealed with delight and nestled on his chest and I had tears in my eyes... I love my family.

Life is beautiful.

Daycare...

It was Ashiah's first official day at day care today. I spent a couple hours there with her last Thursday and Friday and she stayed without me for 2 hrs yesterday which went so well we decided to try it a little longer today. My goal was 4 hrs but it ended up being 6. I was a mess by 2. I called about 4 times. Thankfully Aleksandra, the provider, was very patient and understanding having been unable to find a daycare she liked for her own daughter, she quit her day job at Bell to open up this eco friendly daycare. She's simply lovely and Ashiah is already taken with her, much to my happiness, relief and misery.

First I decided to take advantage of my new found freedom today (Greg's in Washington on business) and go for breakfast. I was fine for the first 20 minutes and then guilt set in. I worried that she was crying and miserable without me, especially for nap time. Then I started to really miss her and disliked this new found freedom. I called and was told she went down in 10 minutes which was a relief. Great, I'll go home and get lots done, moreover I'll run to Rona and pick up some things. Newsflash, it's Quebec's national holiday today so it was closed. No problem, lots to do at home. Here I go....whaaaa. I lost it. I was sobbing. I had to call someone but since I felt like a loser I called Greg's voice mail and sobbed on it. He called me back an hour later when he was out of his meeting to console me and tell me I was normal and that he loved me and although I had stopped crying for a whole half hour I started crying again. But I got lots done. I cried as I weeded my garden, I cried as I did the laundry and I cried as I took out the recycling. I later called to check in for the 900th time and could hear Ashiah in Aleksandra's arms babbling happily and although this made me smile, I hung up and cried again. My baby is happy with another woman, whaaaaa.

Good grief.

But when I picked her up she was all smiles to see me, I got lots of hugs and cuddles and after a quick nursing she wanted to go back and play. So all in all I'm thankful that it's going so well especially since I've given myself all of July to integrate her and am only scheduled to work 2 days until August. Great, now I have a whole month to cry it out so I don't end up a blubbering fool at work. It is only for 3 days a week but they're going to feel like weeks with all I get done without my baby around. I realized just how much of my time she truly takes and just how productive I can be again.

But I wouldn't trade this time with her for years of productive days.

Lovey dovey and gouey

So yesterday was the big day. I taught my course and no one heckled me, I didn't faint or even fumble. I actually got mostly 5's (out of 5) on the evaluations, even in "knowledgeable in subject matter". hehe

Basically 2 nights before the course my boss suggested I speak with an associate instructor who's been teaching the same course for 13 years. She thought he might be able to give me some 'helpful hints'. I don't think he's familiar with those words. He opened the conversation with "well if you had any fears about teaching this course I'm here to confirm them all". And it went on and on from there. By the end of it I was very discouraged, hung up and burst into tears.

Thankfully, I have a very understanding and supportive partner who gave me a hug, dropped his own work and helped me prepare. He not only served as my guinea pig student but he also spruced up my power point for me. Now this friends is the true definition of love. Never mind all the lovey dovey gouey stuff (although that's lovely too) but when push comes to shove, the one you love is there - a true partner in life. I feel that I couldn't have done it without him. Am now back in the professional saddle and thanks to my Greg I found the courage to deliver a very solid presentation despite it obviously being too compressed which the students agreed with.

Ironically, I used my negative experience with my colleague as an example in the course to illustrate how not to act in a team. Of course I didn't mention that it was 'their' particular course he was talking about. So really, I should thank him for having given me an illustration of how not to be a prick.

Meanwhile, back at the homestead, I've de-stressed, am back to gardening and Greg's currently mowing down on some homemade sheppard's pie I cooked up last night while Ashiah tries drawing for the first time. And life is good.

A DAY TO REMEMBER!

Yes I admit it, I now join the roster of boasting proud parents but this is a BIG deal!

Today at 10.5 months old our little girl walked for the first time! She took 6 consecutive steps in a row by herself and then repeated the feat back and forth between Mummy and Daddy. It was very exciting and of course, Mummy shed a few tears. Our baby is growing up!

For a few days now, she's been standing for longer periods on her own and then she'd take one or two steps between a table and the couch and we weren't sure this counted as her first official steps yet. But today she let go of the table and off she went. She was so very proud of herself, big smile and she got lots of kisses, hugs and praise. Daddy filmed it with his cell phone, which isn't admittedly the best quality but at least we captured it. Bad bad Mummy and Daddy for having put off buying the new camera with video. Must do this tomorrow.

And now comes the fun part - it's already been interesting trying to keep up with her feats of climbing lately and her turbo crawl but now she'll really be mobile!

Lookout world, Ashiah Phoenix is on the move and we'll be behind her all the way!

Bean pole update

Our squirmy little darling got a clean bill of health today. We now know why everyone says she's so "light". She is on the lower scale for weight (19 pounds) but she's very tall for her age at 79cm or 31.2 inches. This was confirmed when we stopped for coffee after the appointment in Wakefield and she towered over a 14 month old baby boy who was there.

Otherwise she's become very chatty and very very busy. We usually dress her in overalls because she's always climbing through the dirt outside or manages to wear her food. She prefers to eat on her own and doesn't like being fed as much anymore. Loves avocado and new favorite: eggs. And definitely an affinity for sweets, tasted ice cream and went crazy. She hollers loudly now when she wants more food which is a problem in a restaurant now so we tend to stick to busy loud places now. No more romantic candlelit fine cuisine for us!

She still stands on her own for longer periods of time now and will walk around if we hold her hand but not walking on her own yet. I can't imagine how we'll catch her when she does since we have a tough enough time keeping up with her while she crawls - or climbs. Oh yeah, she's a climber. Give her 2 seconds beside stairs or a ladder and she'll be at the top before you know it. Doesn't seem to mind heights or even fast swings, a li'l daredevil. (this she definitely gets from daddy)

Otherwise most people say she looks like mommy but today the doctor said "boy does she ever look like her daddy". I have to tell him this, he'll be very pleased.

Bed time seems to be a bit less of a struggle now in her crib although night before last she woke up shortly after she went down and was very very unhappy. I stood my ground and mommy won that round, however stressful and difficult it was to let her cry. One of many more battles to be won in her lifetime am sure... sigh. I guess this is the meaning to "tough love". And love her we do, more than anything.

My life in a Network Diagram

How is it that you can't wait for one stressful thing to be resolved only to realize that you now have to face another more stressful thing?

I swear to gawd I'm developing an ulcer, or a stomach tumor, or maybe it's irritable bowel syndrome, or maybe it's just another bloody thing to stress about.

So I got the job. Yippee right? Not. I am officially supposed to start in August. But they need me to come in sooner to go through a few things and to teach my first course. Great! I'll make as much money in one day as I would in two weeks on EI. Yippee, right? Wrong.

I'm in over my head. What the hell was I thinking? For the past year my life has been about tending to my baby's needs, dirty dishes, diapers, laundry, floors, running errands, well you get the picture. It has not been about project management - well that is, not in the professional sense. Yes, this is the course I'm slated to teach to 15 unsuspecting students. Can I use motherhood as an example of my project management skills? I can just see myself building a network diagram that outlines tasks to reach milestones, mine being "managed to shower", "showered and brushed my teeth before bed", "ate a warm meal", "ran 3 errands in one day", "had sex", "fit into pre-pregnancy clothes". "Now class, please outline all the tasks involved to reach each of those milestones." I can picture the blank faces now.

Oh and might I add that Ashiah isn't weaned yet - my goal is one year, or 2 weeks before I officially start work- so for now I'll be pumping over the lunch hour which is a better alternative to suddenly leaking milk through my blouse in front of a class of government employees. I can just hear the unsuspecting woman who walks into the washroom and wonders what the vibrating noise coming from one of the stalls is. Nice.

Can you say "aaaaagggggghhhhhh" with me?