The Calm after the Storm

As I look out the window from bed, the trees are basking in the glow of a soon to be setting sun. There's a nice breeze I can feel from the front door window and the shadows of the leaves flicker on the stone fireplace. All seems calm and good and yet last night's events are still haunting my thoughts... it's now a waiting game.

We are now about 14 and a half weeks pregnant with our second child, due Christmas day. We have known of the pregnancy since week 2 of conception. It is our second surprise child and although it couldn't have come at what parents often feel is 'the worse time', we have already forged a strong bond with this new life growing inside of me. One of the reasons for this is that unlike the first pregnancy, this one has been quite eventful with several visits to hospital and what has now been 5 ultrasounds where we have watched baby grow and change into a fully formed, athletic baby which I have already felt move for a couple of weeks now due to it's never ending movements. Regardless of how comfortable life seems as is, it's amazing how these little people can worm their way into your heart.

I have been in and out of hospital since Friday because of bleeding. Blood and urine tests have all been normal and ultrasounds revealed a thriving baby with a perfect heartbeat. The only thing found was what appeared to be a small clot at the top of my cervix. I was told not to participate in any contact sports, not to run and to refrain from sex for a few weeks. This seemed like a fair prognosis and so Sunday we returned home and I painted the outside window trim of the house which seemed like a fairly non-exerting task. But shortly thereafter I began to bleed again so I went to bed and remained there till Monday morning. I was facilitating a workshop on Monday and arranged to do so seated all day. All seemed well, the bleeding subsided and things were looking up...

Last night around 10:30, Greg and I were discussing renovation priorities considering my new more fragile state. As I sat on the counter talking, I suddenly felt a rush of blood and headed to the bathroom. As I sat down I felt a strange sensation as though something was washing through me and felt something very large come out of me. I screamed as I looked down to a flood of blood. Greg came running and yelled out 'oh no, oh no, what is it, what is it' with a look of terror on his face. I felt sure it was the baby and sat there for a time in shock and crying "oh no my baby, oh no my baby". In my shock, I reached in and pulled out the mass that had fallen from me. It was very large and appeared to be the placenta as it resembled a liver. Greg was very distraught and exclaimed that he needed to get me to hospital right away. My hands covered in blood and tears streaming down my face I told him we had to bring the placenta with us. I didn't know why but I couldn't leave it there. Poor Greg fetched a large container and I set it inside. I was now shaking and couldn't move. Greg somehow managed to get me mobile and we headed to the door. Greg retrieved our sleeping soon to be 3 year old from bed and we slowly made our way to the car. We drove 20 mins to my sister's house where she was waiting outside to collect our daughter after Greg called to tell her we were losing the baby. I was having terrible cramping and I was worried I was going to lose it there in the car.

We got to the hospital about 15 mins later and Greg wheeled me to Emerg. As they processed us I could barely answer questions as the reality had struck me. Greg and I waited patiently along with others in 2 packed waiting rooms to be called and we both began to sob in each other's arms. It was nothing short of awful.

A kind young nurse from triage recognized us as she started her shift and came up to us with a very concerned look on her face and softly said 'you're back...' I told her I'd lost the placenta and her eyes filled with tears... she has 2 children but miscarried once between the two. She said "I'll find you a room right now" and rushed down the hall. We sat for what seemed like a long time but was likely more like 15 mins and were taken to a quiet room where I was given a gown and told to lay down and rest. The kind nurse told me that I needed to prepare to see a fully formed small baby emerge and that they could either take care of it or we could choose to bring it with us. Greg told me he wanted to bring our baby home and bury it on the property. Greg held my hand and we waited in silence broken intermittently by our sobs of mourning.

It had now been 3 hours since I had lost the mass. The doctor came in to examine me. After listening to my heart beat and abdomen she did an internal. Her first words were that my cervix was closed. This was unexpected and also disconcerting news and I was struggling very hard with the thought of my dead baby inside me and now felt like it wouldn't come out... The Dr. then asked to see the mass. She looked at it and said 'hmm, there is a lot of blood... it looks like the placenta but it could also be a large, but rare clot. May I have it analyzed?" I faintly replied 'sure' and she said she wanted to do an ultrasound to see what was going on inside. I started to cry as I didn't want to see a dead baby inside me and Greg said I could turn my head and that he would look for the both of us.

They brought in the machine and I turned my head with a nauseous feeling coming over me. As the doctor moved the machine over my belly she said 'I think you had better take a look'. I refused but she repeated that she thought I should. I turned my head slowly and saw our familiar dancing baby and it's active heartbeat. Greg and I stared at each other for a moment and he had a smile on his face. I immediately broke down in tears again and asked 'what is going on?' Sure enough, I had passed a very large clot that was located behind the placenta. This is known as 'subchorionic hematoma' and occurs in 1% of pregnancies. Often the clot remains inside and grows or gets absorbed by the body. At times it dislodges the placenta and takes it with it as it leaves the body. Other times, it evacuates itself dislodging the placenta but the placenta remains mostly in place and other times it does not disturb anything. We are hoping for the latter.

The doctor has placed me on 5 days bed rest. The cramping was due to having passed the large mass and has indeed subsided somewhat today. We returned home and I got into a warm tub to help ease the cramping. Greg and I stayed up another hour together to review what was to be my 2 hour lecture at a museum this morning, but Greg went in my place, with very little sleep after having gone through that whole ordeal. I am beyond proud of him and feel incredible grateful that he was here with me and that we weathered the storm together.

I feel scared to go to the bathroom now and assume that this will subside as the days move forward and everything hopefully gets back to normal.

Greg is now snoozing peacefully beside me after a long work day for him and I have spent the day in bed, keeping busy with work, sleep and e-mail. Ashiah is still at my sister's for the night and my Dad will be bringing her home in the morning. I decided this was as good a time as any to resume my blog, if only to have some forum of expressing all that has happened... it sometimes just feels easier to type things than to say them, especially when they are so filled with emotion.

I feel grateful, still fearful but remain hopeful as I look out and watch the last glow of the setting sun.

The Train

I am exhausted right now but simply had to write something to mark the day.

I had what was one the most wonderful and memorable moments yet with Ashiah today (apart from her first horseback riding experience a couple weeks ago) as she really discovered the Wakefield steam train today. We heard it coming from a distance and I drove her to the tracks so she could see it when it went by. Of course the Conductor waved at us and she was mesmerized.

For the rest of the day she spoke of nothing else but the train...incessantly! So much so that she insisted on seeing it again so I drove to the end of Chelsea to see if we could catch up with it but we just missed it again.

Fast forward to this evening as we happened to bring Greg his supper at the cabin where he was working hard on the bathroom floor. And in the distance we heard the dinner train. Ashiah and I went barreling down the stairs and she sat in my lap in the car as we drove round the bends to the track and waited for it.

All was still as the sun was setting and we could hear the frogs and crickets and birds and Ashiah was very still. All she kept saying was, "shhh, listen!" And we'd hear the train toot across the river - it was actually a way away yet and I found myself reverted back to a little girl as well; just as excited as my daughter that the train was coming any moment now. I had forgotten that wonderful feeling of anticipation of something and it's wonderful.

Ashiah was in my arms, her little arms clutched around my neck and her lips pursed in a silent "oh" sound as she saw the light appear in the distance. She then became nervous and thought we should go back to the car, "sit in car Mama" yet she was mesmerized and delighted when it caught up with us. She clutched me tightly and watched, fixated with delight.

I have not yet seen her so excited about anything and of the train we spoke all the way home. She kept interrupting me and saying "listen - listen?" "Twain all gone", "maybe in morning" 90,000 times.

It was just a very special moment and I'll never forget it for the rest of my life.

Pee and Pooh

Today was a Pooh day. And I don't mean Winnie.

There were 2 pooh incidents - one not so good, the other simply wonderful. Ah yes, become a parent and you can suddenly have the words 'pooh' and 'wonderful' in the same sentence.

My girlfriend was detained today from picking us up, when her son had a pooh outside and then smeared it all over himself. This would be the 'not so good' incident. Alright, the bloody awful incident.

But earlier this evening, Ashiah asked for the potty and went pee. She then asked again and went pooh. It is the second time this happens in a month and it is quite exhilarating. Never would I have ever thought that I would ever share my daughter's bowel movements with the world at large, but voila, I am at once thrilled and sad that my daughter is beginning to take this new leap.

Counting, ABC's, Potty, what's next? Keys to the car? It's really quite disconcerting how fast this is all going. Sigh.

Time flies with a Toddler

It has ridiculously been three months since I last wrote. Terrible. Time is just flying by. Between renovations (which warrants a separate entry to itself), being laid off work but halfway re-hired and then looking for more work, to moving out to a temporary place only to find it has air quality issues so we went to stay at a friend's in Carleton Place for a few days, to day to day ongoing "stuff" to looking after a toddler - well, I can certainly say that life is ANYTHING but boring!

About Ashiah: Well she's simply wonderful. Being her mother, and father is just the best. She's so full of life and wonder and she amazes us every day.

First of all, she's become a parrot. She repeats everything we say and is very very chatty. (Surprise surprise with the parents she has...) She also nearly made us fall over the other day as she casually counted to 13 in the bathroom while we were getting ready. 13! I can't believe it. Seems like yesterday that we were very excited over the word Dada!

She also loves music, dances all the time and her current favorite artist is now Ray Lamontagne and her favorite song is Trouble. Daddy plays it for her on the guitar and they sing it loudly in the shower. It's very cute. So cute that we're taking her to his concert in Montreal next month so she can hear her favorite song live. :)

Ashiah also attended her first movie a couple months ago and made it half way through Madagascar II. Although she gets bored easily, she certainly loves her movies so we try to keep them to times when she's very restless. She currently loves Elmo and a roster of other animated flicks. She likes to sing "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" and knows about half her ABC's now. Her cutest new word is "Okay" - "Ashiah do you want some yogurt?" Okay.

She's also become the ringleader at daycare. When she arrives the other children yell "Ashiah!" and run to the door to greet her. She's taken them on little adventures through the woods to the neighbor's house a couple of times much to the daycare provider's panic and due to her climbing antics, her caregiver apparently had to forge stairs in the snowbank because the other children wanted to follow her. (Bear in mind she's 3 mths younger than her two little friends). Of course she climbed before she walked and this fancy hasn't yet subsided. We find her on top of most everything all the time. This said, we've just enrolled her in an interactive program for toddlers her age in Ottawa to give her a bit of a challenge since she quickly becomes bored and seems to thrive on variety.

Her closest friends (that is those she asks for by name) are two at daycare, Lilou and Iza, her cousin Malik, Abby (my friend's 2.5 yr old daughter) and Rowie (my other friend's 8 yr old daughter). She also remembers her cousin Coco and names him when she see's his pictures (he lives in Vancouver).

She's also completely mesmerized by the geese, chickens and ducks that live in the back of the house we're staying at and goes over everyday to terrorize them. She has no fear and seems to love all animals, especially her "Kitty".

All that to say that she's definitely very active, social and fun and she's the light of our lives. Despite ongoing fatigue and a struggle to balance it all, a child certainly brings a joy to life like no other I've ever known... or ever will I'm certain.

Is this the baby I brought home?

I was looking at my daughter today with a mixture of happiness and melancholy. She has turned into such a little girl already - determined, full of life, of hope and spirit.

She already has very strong opinions for an almost 17 mth old. There are 2 words that first come out of her mouth from the moment she wakes up: shoes and baby. We must wear our shoes and we must always have our baby along with an assortment of stuffed toys. We must have "gooey" every morning.(code name for yogurt) We must watch "Mambo" several times a week (although we are currently on Mambo detox - Mambo is Happy Feet the movie.) We are addicted to cheese and feeding the kitty, which mostly consists of feeding the floor. We like wearing summer hats but hate our winter one. We love shoes but dislike boots. We sing Twinkle Twinkle little star and can now identify a roster of animals, like elephant which we pronounce "ananas" which means pineapple in French. We completely understand the meaning of "Uh oh", words that are often followed by an "oh no" by Mummy. We also understand when Dada's away on a plane and have become quite adept at talking to Dada on Skype. All in all it's amazing to watch her.

And we are heavier and taller and I no longer carry a baby in my arms. I now pick up a little girl. And it seems like just yesterday that I was staring at that pink stick announcing her soon-to-be arrival. Yesterday that this tiny little being started sucking on me for sustenance and I thought "whoa, this feels very strange". And that feeling was quickly replaced by a feeling that I was home; that together we were home. As the expression goes "home is where the heart is". And my heart is most certainly with her, Ashiah, my daughter. Wow. I am now the mother of a little girl. :)

Rainy days and Daddy blues

This is Ashiah having just made blueberry pancakes with Mummy and then ate said pancakes and rubbed the maple syrup throughout her hair. Good thing she's cute.

It's the first time Greg has been away for a long period in a few months now. Usually I'm rushing about madly trying to get the to do list done but today it is gray and rainy and potential playmates were all sick so Ashiah and I stayed in. There was a definite absence in the cabin today despite Ashiah and I sharing a few laughs and lots of playtime.

I remember when I was pregnant and Greg would go away and I would really miss him. I would busy myself to not dwell on it. But now I have a little girl who misses her Daddy and reminds me every hour on the hour and sometimes for several minutes at a time.

As she sat across from me at the dinner table in a 'big person chair' she was busying herself and suddenly looked up at me and said "Dada?" I said "Yes, Dada is away right now" and she kept asking "Dada?" So I said "Dada is in the car" to which she repeated "Dada is in the car?" "Yes he is pumpkin" I answered, astonished that she had repeated verbatim. She then repeated "Dada/car" about 20 times and finally paused and looked down and I thought to myself "thank God because she's making me miss him too." And then she looked up at me again, with her beautiful blue eyes, so earnest and said "Dada?" And I felt the tears swell up and seep down my cheeks. "Yes love, Dada is in the car, far away, but he'll be back soon."

I text'ed Dada who happened to be on a beach in Point Reyes resting up after traveling 3 cities in 3 days and he immediately called home and baby and Mama were very happy to hear his voice. Baby and Mama then spent the rest of the evening playing inside a cardboard house (Ashiah sized of course) and baby and Mama felt peaceful having touched base with the third leg of our tripod.

Saturday Mornings

Something nice about Saturday mornings in our house.
Sleeping in.
No rushing about to get ready.
Music is playing.
Blueberry pancakes.
A happy giggling baby running in and out from under Mommy and Daddy's legs.

It's raining outside, but today, it's sunny in our cabin.