Day 2 of bed-rest. It's only 12:22pm and I'm decidedly bored. It's not that there's nothing to do, as I've received many supportive messages to respond to and a few calls and this coupled with some work stuff I've been keeping busy from my bed. Can't imagine what mothers used to do before the Internet. Read a lot of books I guess and stared out the window. It's pretty out there today but apparently quite chilly.
Although my ass is mush and my back is sore from lying here, I know it's worth it so I'll keep my usual go-go-go ass in bed. There's a sub facilitator teaching my stress management course today. Somewhat ironic really... There are certainly some, like my mother and best-friend who are pretty happy with my non-negotiable confinement as they usually feel I have too much on the go. I suppose I do but I'm just not one to waste time, I like to be productive and feel I deserve to relax when the work is done. My nature I guess...
My sister sent me a nice little care package complete with muffins and movies so I'll likely pop in a flick to keep me entertained this aft.
Cramps are intermittent now and bleeding has lessened substantially. Still fairly nervous when I go potty, worried I'm going to pee out my baby. I guess that's to be expected...
Have a craving for Molo's grilled cheese panini with garlic mayo no onions. Mmmm. Damn.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
The Calm after the Storm
As I look out the window from bed, the trees are basking in the glow of a soon to be setting sun. There's a nice breeze I can feel from the front door window and the shadows of the leaves flicker on the stone fireplace. All seems calm and good and yet last night's events are still haunting my thoughts... it's now a waiting game.
We are now about 14 and a half weeks pregnant with our second child, due Christmas day. We have known of the pregnancy since week 2 of conception. It is our second surprise child and although it couldn't have come at what parents often feel is 'the worse time', we have already forged a strong bond with this new life growing inside of me. One of the reasons for this is that unlike the first pregnancy, this one has been quite eventful with several visits to hospital and what has now been 5 ultrasounds where we have watched baby grow and change into a fully formed, athletic baby which I have already felt move for a couple of weeks now due to it's never ending movements. Regardless of how comfortable life seems as is, it's amazing how these little people can worm their way into your heart.
I have been in and out of hospital since Friday because of bleeding. Blood and urine tests have all been normal and ultrasounds revealed a thriving baby with a perfect heartbeat. The only thing found was what appeared to be a small clot at the top of my cervix. I was told not to participate in any contact sports, not to run and to refrain from sex for a few weeks. This seemed like a fair prognosis and so Sunday we returned home and I painted the outside window trim of the house which seemed like a fairly non-exerting task. But shortly thereafter I began to bleed again so I went to bed and remained there till Monday morning. I was facilitating a workshop on Monday and arranged to do so seated all day. All seemed well, the bleeding subsided and things were looking up...
Last night around 10:30, Greg and I were discussing renovation priorities considering my new more fragile state. As I sat on the counter talking, I suddenly felt a rush of blood and headed to the bathroom. As I sat down I felt a strange sensation as though something was washing through me and felt something very large come out of me. I screamed as I looked down to a flood of blood. Greg came running and yelled out 'oh no, oh no, what is it, what is it' with a look of terror on his face. I felt sure it was the baby and sat there for a time in shock and crying "oh no my baby, oh no my baby". In my shock, I reached in and pulled out the mass that had fallen from me. It was very large and appeared to be the placenta as it resembled a liver. Greg was very distraught and exclaimed that he needed to get me to hospital right away. My hands covered in blood and tears streaming down my face I told him we had to bring the placenta with us. I didn't know why but I couldn't leave it there. Poor Greg fetched a large container and I set it inside. I was now shaking and couldn't move. Greg somehow managed to get me mobile and we headed to the door. Greg retrieved our sleeping soon to be 3 year old from bed and we slowly made our way to the car. We drove 20 mins to my sister's house where she was waiting outside to collect our daughter after Greg called to tell her we were losing the baby. I was having terrible cramping and I was worried I was going to lose it there in the car.
We got to the hospital about 15 mins later and Greg wheeled me to Emerg. As they processed us I could barely answer questions as the reality had struck me. Greg and I waited patiently along with others in 2 packed waiting rooms to be called and we both began to sob in each other's arms. It was nothing short of awful.
A kind young nurse from triage recognized us as she started her shift and came up to us with a very concerned look on her face and softly said 'you're back...' I told her I'd lost the placenta and her eyes filled with tears... she has 2 children but miscarried once between the two. She said "I'll find you a room right now" and rushed down the hall. We sat for what seemed like a long time but was likely more like 15 mins and were taken to a quiet room where I was given a gown and told to lay down and rest. The kind nurse told me that I needed to prepare to see a fully formed small baby emerge and that they could either take care of it or we could choose to bring it with us. Greg told me he wanted to bring our baby home and bury it on the property. Greg held my hand and we waited in silence broken intermittently by our sobs of mourning.
It had now been 3 hours since I had lost the mass. The doctor came in to examine me. After listening to my heart beat and abdomen she did an internal. Her first words were that my cervix was closed. This was unexpected and also disconcerting news and I was struggling very hard with the thought of my dead baby inside me and now felt like it wouldn't come out... The Dr. then asked to see the mass. She looked at it and said 'hmm, there is a lot of blood... it looks like the placenta but it could also be a large, but rare clot. May I have it analyzed?" I faintly replied 'sure' and she said she wanted to do an ultrasound to see what was going on inside. I started to cry as I didn't want to see a dead baby inside me and Greg said I could turn my head and that he would look for the both of us.
They brought in the machine and I turned my head with a nauseous feeling coming over me. As the doctor moved the machine over my belly she said 'I think you had better take a look'. I refused but she repeated that she thought I should. I turned my head slowly and saw our familiar dancing baby and it's active heartbeat. Greg and I stared at each other for a moment and he had a smile on his face. I immediately broke down in tears again and asked 'what is going on?' Sure enough, I had passed a very large clot that was located behind the placenta. This is known as 'subchorionic hematoma' and occurs in 1% of pregnancies. Often the clot remains inside and grows or gets absorbed by the body. At times it dislodges the placenta and takes it with it as it leaves the body. Other times, it evacuates itself dislodging the placenta but the placenta remains mostly in place and other times it does not disturb anything. We are hoping for the latter.
The doctor has placed me on 5 days bed rest. The cramping was due to having passed the large mass and has indeed subsided somewhat today. We returned home and I got into a warm tub to help ease the cramping. Greg and I stayed up another hour together to review what was to be my 2 hour lecture at a museum this morning, but Greg went in my place, with very little sleep after having gone through that whole ordeal. I am beyond proud of him and feel incredible grateful that he was here with me and that we weathered the storm together.
I feel scared to go to the bathroom now and assume that this will subside as the days move forward and everything hopefully gets back to normal.
Greg is now snoozing peacefully beside me after a long work day for him and I have spent the day in bed, keeping busy with work, sleep and e-mail. Ashiah is still at my sister's for the night and my Dad will be bringing her home in the morning. I decided this was as good a time as any to resume my blog, if only to have some forum of expressing all that has happened... it sometimes just feels easier to type things than to say them, especially when they are so filled with emotion.
I feel grateful, still fearful but remain hopeful as I look out and watch the last glow of the setting sun.
We are now about 14 and a half weeks pregnant with our second child, due Christmas day. We have known of the pregnancy since week 2 of conception. It is our second surprise child and although it couldn't have come at what parents often feel is 'the worse time', we have already forged a strong bond with this new life growing inside of me. One of the reasons for this is that unlike the first pregnancy, this one has been quite eventful with several visits to hospital and what has now been 5 ultrasounds where we have watched baby grow and change into a fully formed, athletic baby which I have already felt move for a couple of weeks now due to it's never ending movements. Regardless of how comfortable life seems as is, it's amazing how these little people can worm their way into your heart.
I have been in and out of hospital since Friday because of bleeding. Blood and urine tests have all been normal and ultrasounds revealed a thriving baby with a perfect heartbeat. The only thing found was what appeared to be a small clot at the top of my cervix. I was told not to participate in any contact sports, not to run and to refrain from sex for a few weeks. This seemed like a fair prognosis and so Sunday we returned home and I painted the outside window trim of the house which seemed like a fairly non-exerting task. But shortly thereafter I began to bleed again so I went to bed and remained there till Monday morning. I was facilitating a workshop on Monday and arranged to do so seated all day. All seemed well, the bleeding subsided and things were looking up...
Last night around 10:30, Greg and I were discussing renovation priorities considering my new more fragile state. As I sat on the counter talking, I suddenly felt a rush of blood and headed to the bathroom. As I sat down I felt a strange sensation as though something was washing through me and felt something very large come out of me. I screamed as I looked down to a flood of blood. Greg came running and yelled out 'oh no, oh no, what is it, what is it' with a look of terror on his face. I felt sure it was the baby and sat there for a time in shock and crying "oh no my baby, oh no my baby". In my shock, I reached in and pulled out the mass that had fallen from me. It was very large and appeared to be the placenta as it resembled a liver. Greg was very distraught and exclaimed that he needed to get me to hospital right away. My hands covered in blood and tears streaming down my face I told him we had to bring the placenta with us. I didn't know why but I couldn't leave it there. Poor Greg fetched a large container and I set it inside. I was now shaking and couldn't move. Greg somehow managed to get me mobile and we headed to the door. Greg retrieved our sleeping soon to be 3 year old from bed and we slowly made our way to the car. We drove 20 mins to my sister's house where she was waiting outside to collect our daughter after Greg called to tell her we were losing the baby. I was having terrible cramping and I was worried I was going to lose it there in the car.
We got to the hospital about 15 mins later and Greg wheeled me to Emerg. As they processed us I could barely answer questions as the reality had struck me. Greg and I waited patiently along with others in 2 packed waiting rooms to be called and we both began to sob in each other's arms. It was nothing short of awful.
A kind young nurse from triage recognized us as she started her shift and came up to us with a very concerned look on her face and softly said 'you're back...' I told her I'd lost the placenta and her eyes filled with tears... she has 2 children but miscarried once between the two. She said "I'll find you a room right now" and rushed down the hall. We sat for what seemed like a long time but was likely more like 15 mins and were taken to a quiet room where I was given a gown and told to lay down and rest. The kind nurse told me that I needed to prepare to see a fully formed small baby emerge and that they could either take care of it or we could choose to bring it with us. Greg told me he wanted to bring our baby home and bury it on the property. Greg held my hand and we waited in silence broken intermittently by our sobs of mourning.
It had now been 3 hours since I had lost the mass. The doctor came in to examine me. After listening to my heart beat and abdomen she did an internal. Her first words were that my cervix was closed. This was unexpected and also disconcerting news and I was struggling very hard with the thought of my dead baby inside me and now felt like it wouldn't come out... The Dr. then asked to see the mass. She looked at it and said 'hmm, there is a lot of blood... it looks like the placenta but it could also be a large, but rare clot. May I have it analyzed?" I faintly replied 'sure' and she said she wanted to do an ultrasound to see what was going on inside. I started to cry as I didn't want to see a dead baby inside me and Greg said I could turn my head and that he would look for the both of us.
They brought in the machine and I turned my head with a nauseous feeling coming over me. As the doctor moved the machine over my belly she said 'I think you had better take a look'. I refused but she repeated that she thought I should. I turned my head slowly and saw our familiar dancing baby and it's active heartbeat. Greg and I stared at each other for a moment and he had a smile on his face. I immediately broke down in tears again and asked 'what is going on?' Sure enough, I had passed a very large clot that was located behind the placenta. This is known as 'subchorionic hematoma' and occurs in 1% of pregnancies. Often the clot remains inside and grows or gets absorbed by the body. At times it dislodges the placenta and takes it with it as it leaves the body. Other times, it evacuates itself dislodging the placenta but the placenta remains mostly in place and other times it does not disturb anything. We are hoping for the latter.
The doctor has placed me on 5 days bed rest. The cramping was due to having passed the large mass and has indeed subsided somewhat today. We returned home and I got into a warm tub to help ease the cramping. Greg and I stayed up another hour together to review what was to be my 2 hour lecture at a museum this morning, but Greg went in my place, with very little sleep after having gone through that whole ordeal. I am beyond proud of him and feel incredible grateful that he was here with me and that we weathered the storm together.
I feel scared to go to the bathroom now and assume that this will subside as the days move forward and everything hopefully gets back to normal.
Greg is now snoozing peacefully beside me after a long work day for him and I have spent the day in bed, keeping busy with work, sleep and e-mail. Ashiah is still at my sister's for the night and my Dad will be bringing her home in the morning. I decided this was as good a time as any to resume my blog, if only to have some forum of expressing all that has happened... it sometimes just feels easier to type things than to say them, especially when they are so filled with emotion.
I feel grateful, still fearful but remain hopeful as I look out and watch the last glow of the setting sun.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)