I really have no clue if anyone does read this to be honest - I write because it's cathartic mostly and a good way for family far away to catch up on various musings about our life if they are curious.
But I realized after a few friends have said that they weren't able to comment that this was my bad - I had disabled this feature. I've now activated it so that anyone can comment and this way I will know if anyone does read this. :)
Well Ashiah's destroying the bathroom gotta go!
Monday, April 28, 2008
Stressed yet Blessed
I can't recall the last time I felt this stressed out about most everything in my life like I do right now. There's just so much to be done in the next month I feel nauseous thinking about it.
Finding a new job - and not just any job but one that will pay the right amount for the least amount of time away from Ashiah will not be an easy feat. (I've 2 interviews this week - bleck.) Then finding the right kind of childcare for her that will be flexible with this new job will also be difficult - no, the most difficult decision of my life thus far I think - quadruple bleck! This aside, there are health issues to deal with, financial issues, major household reorganization to be done and one petit a cote is that I will be turning a year older in this incredibly stressful life altering month. bleck bleck bleck
And yet although I am close to being a walking nervous breakdown waiting to happen, I look at my daughter and can't help but feel an instant surge of joy because she is the embodiment of goodness and happiness and warmth and wonder. And despite us all being sick with the flu this weekend, and Greg and I having some serious "mommy & daddy" talks about the many issues we have on our plate, we took time to go outside and enjoy the smells of Spring and we fed the little chippies (chipmunks) who ate out of my hand and raked some leaves and sat in the sun and visited with our fabulous neighbors and shared some family cuddles.
I'm sitting by a very cozy fire now, nestled in a bean bag chair, Ashiah asleep and Greg reading his book on the couch opposite me and despite the gazillion thoughts bouncing around in my head of all the stressful things on my to do list, I still feel very blessed that I get to be stressed about a life that I share with two very extraordinary people that form our family tripod.
Finding a new job - and not just any job but one that will pay the right amount for the least amount of time away from Ashiah will not be an easy feat. (I've 2 interviews this week - bleck.) Then finding the right kind of childcare for her that will be flexible with this new job will also be difficult - no, the most difficult decision of my life thus far I think - quadruple bleck! This aside, there are health issues to deal with, financial issues, major household reorganization to be done and one petit a cote is that I will be turning a year older in this incredibly stressful life altering month. bleck bleck bleck
And yet although I am close to being a walking nervous breakdown waiting to happen, I look at my daughter and can't help but feel an instant surge of joy because she is the embodiment of goodness and happiness and warmth and wonder. And despite us all being sick with the flu this weekend, and Greg and I having some serious "mommy & daddy" talks about the many issues we have on our plate, we took time to go outside and enjoy the smells of Spring and we fed the little chippies (chipmunks) who ate out of my hand and raked some leaves and sat in the sun and visited with our fabulous neighbors and shared some family cuddles.
I'm sitting by a very cozy fire now, nestled in a bean bag chair, Ashiah asleep and Greg reading his book on the couch opposite me and despite the gazillion thoughts bouncing around in my head of all the stressful things on my to do list, I still feel very blessed that I get to be stressed about a life that I share with two very extraordinary people that form our family tripod.
Friday, April 25, 2008
Firsts...
Our whirlwind trip to Vancouver/Seattle/Victoria marked several firsts for Ashiah. Aside from her usual clapping when we say "yay" my Aunt Diana taught her to wave her arms in the air when we say "hooray". She also said "Mama" for the first time - I asked her if she could say it and she did clear as a bell in front of Daddy and his brother and wife and I cried. Yep, I did. Just to be sure I asked her "who's Mama" and she put her hand on me. Yay.
She also cut her two top teeth (which put her in an unusually cranky mood). She also stood on her own without holding anything for several seconds - I said "Ashiah, you're standing, you're standing!" and she seemed to have understood because she looked at the ground and around her and sat down. Very funny.
She also has her first cold, not sure who got it first, her or her Daddy but as she and Daddy are on the tail end of it, I'm now sick as a dog today. Barely slept all night, Ashiah was up several times since she's all confused with time zones now and Greg worked all night. I'd just gotten to sleep when he crawled into bed and woke up Ashiah so now I'm up and desperately trying to stay awake while he sleeps happily. He was supposed to be coming to bed in half an hour - that was at 1am. Ugh, am not impressed. He smiled his sheepish grin and pulled the covers over his head 'cause he knows mommy's not a happy camper.
Missing family today. Was so nice to see my Auntie Di in Victoria and Ashiah loved her and the rest of the family when we saw them at dinner. She was just so comfortable with everyone, it's almost like she knew they were family. She also loved her Auntie Noel and Cousin Jericho. Would be nice to have them all closer - and also for some reprieve now and again especially like days like today. Mommy's shouldn't get sick. It should be a cosmic rule.
She also cut her two top teeth (which put her in an unusually cranky mood). She also stood on her own without holding anything for several seconds - I said "Ashiah, you're standing, you're standing!" and she seemed to have understood because she looked at the ground and around her and sat down. Very funny.
She also has her first cold, not sure who got it first, her or her Daddy but as she and Daddy are on the tail end of it, I'm now sick as a dog today. Barely slept all night, Ashiah was up several times since she's all confused with time zones now and Greg worked all night. I'd just gotten to sleep when he crawled into bed and woke up Ashiah so now I'm up and desperately trying to stay awake while he sleeps happily. He was supposed to be coming to bed in half an hour - that was at 1am. Ugh, am not impressed. He smiled his sheepish grin and pulled the covers over his head 'cause he knows mommy's not a happy camper.
Missing family today. Was so nice to see my Auntie Di in Victoria and Ashiah loved her and the rest of the family when we saw them at dinner. She was just so comfortable with everyone, it's almost like she knew they were family. She also loved her Auntie Noel and Cousin Jericho. Would be nice to have them all closer - and also for some reprieve now and again especially like days like today. Mommy's shouldn't get sick. It should be a cosmic rule.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Our secret weapon
Babies are so cute, and innocent and cuddly and VIOLENT!
No one told me we'd have a min Jackie Chan on our hands. It's amazing how much pain such a little person can inflict. I mean, forget a "Beware of Dog" sign, how about "Beware of Baby". I mean, if an intruder came in, we could just throw the baby at him and first she could claw him to bits with her baby claws that pose as cute little finger nails. You should see the scratches I have sometimes!
Then she could use her sweet little hands to pinch his skin to bits on his neck, chest and face. For some reason, this is very fun. Then she could use her signature move, the head butt, and break his nose or give him a couple black eyes. I sported a nice dark purple one a couple weeks ago that turned to a lovely green'ish color after awhile - between my black eye and the scratches on my face I was beginning to look like a battered woman. Of course anyone who knows me would laugh at the suggestion - hey I'm French and Irish, I hit back.
And then to top it off she could kick him in the gut and ribs a few times with her karate-like baby kicks that pack a good blow. The poor guy would be so taken aback we'd just have to sock him a good punch to finish him off and voila!
So forget that alarm system, get your 'Sumo Baby 2008' today!
No one told me we'd have a min Jackie Chan on our hands. It's amazing how much pain such a little person can inflict. I mean, forget a "Beware of Dog" sign, how about "Beware of Baby". I mean, if an intruder came in, we could just throw the baby at him and first she could claw him to bits with her baby claws that pose as cute little finger nails. You should see the scratches I have sometimes!
Then she could use her sweet little hands to pinch his skin to bits on his neck, chest and face. For some reason, this is very fun. Then she could use her signature move, the head butt, and break his nose or give him a couple black eyes. I sported a nice dark purple one a couple weeks ago that turned to a lovely green'ish color after awhile - between my black eye and the scratches on my face I was beginning to look like a battered woman. Of course anyone who knows me would laugh at the suggestion - hey I'm French and Irish, I hit back.
And then to top it off she could kick him in the gut and ribs a few times with her karate-like baby kicks that pack a good blow. The poor guy would be so taken aback we'd just have to sock him a good punch to finish him off and voila!
So forget that alarm system, get your 'Sumo Baby 2008' today!
Thursday, April 17, 2008
West Coast is where it's at
I woke up feeling rather sorry for myself today - lack of sleep I guess, falling down the stairs last night and maybe breaking my toe (who knows), bored and lonely with Greg at his conference, my family back in Victoria where I just spent a couple days, my phone being broken, my plans for tonight being canceled, stressing about what the hell kind of job I'm going to find come June and dealing with a very cranky PDA (Princess Dictator Ashiah) - her new name while she cuts her top two teeth this week.
I was faced with an exciting new day of finding G diapers (a great enviro travel diaper btw) which were apparently carried in a store about 20 blocks away on foot and finding a cell phone store. En route I happened across a very funky consignment shop called Bohemia and tried on some tres fun clothes. Bought a top cause the lady said it showed off my waist and since I've been without one for the last 9 months this cheered me up some. As I continued along with only a light jean jacket on, taking in the smells of Spring and the myriads of Magnolia trees, Hyacinth flowers and perfectly manicured lawns I suddenly happened upon a movie shoot with about 30 crew members having lunch on the sidewalk, cameras and gear everywhere, a fenced in set - pretty cool considering we never happen upon movie sets around Ottawa.
I finally made it to the food store I'd been referred to and it happened to be a Whole Foods chain - a store I fell in love with in Washington. We simply have nothing like it back home and why that is I don't know. Everything in this perfectly manicured store is exquisite, organic and wonderful. It makes Loblaws look like a Food Basics.
And then en-route home I went through this fabulous neighborhood called Pleasant Park and met a very lovely lady who owns and personally restored the 4 first heritage homes in Vancouver and she opened the gate to show me the grounds in behind. Simply gorgeous. I actually fell in love with the little gingerbread house on the opposite corner, complete with vine covered trellis' along the little paths up to the door - currently for sale for a cool 2.5 mil - my little dream of buying it quickly shattered. But the lady was lovely as was the man with her who wrote the book on Vancouver's heritage homes and he gave me a quick history. I've been invited to come back and show Greg if I like.
All in all, I came back feeling much better than when I set out. And a fun cap to the afternoon was Ashiah waving at all the pedestrians - her royal wave as my Aunt Di put it this week.
Okay SpongeBob Square Pants is not entertaining PDA so gotta go.
I was faced with an exciting new day of finding G diapers (a great enviro travel diaper btw) which were apparently carried in a store about 20 blocks away on foot and finding a cell phone store. En route I happened across a very funky consignment shop called Bohemia and tried on some tres fun clothes. Bought a top cause the lady said it showed off my waist and since I've been without one for the last 9 months this cheered me up some. As I continued along with only a light jean jacket on, taking in the smells of Spring and the myriads of Magnolia trees, Hyacinth flowers and perfectly manicured lawns I suddenly happened upon a movie shoot with about 30 crew members having lunch on the sidewalk, cameras and gear everywhere, a fenced in set - pretty cool considering we never happen upon movie sets around Ottawa.
I finally made it to the food store I'd been referred to and it happened to be a Whole Foods chain - a store I fell in love with in Washington. We simply have nothing like it back home and why that is I don't know. Everything in this perfectly manicured store is exquisite, organic and wonderful. It makes Loblaws look like a Food Basics.
And then en-route home I went through this fabulous neighborhood called Pleasant Park and met a very lovely lady who owns and personally restored the 4 first heritage homes in Vancouver and she opened the gate to show me the grounds in behind. Simply gorgeous. I actually fell in love with the little gingerbread house on the opposite corner, complete with vine covered trellis' along the little paths up to the door - currently for sale for a cool 2.5 mil - my little dream of buying it quickly shattered. But the lady was lovely as was the man with her who wrote the book on Vancouver's heritage homes and he gave me a quick history. I've been invited to come back and show Greg if I like.
All in all, I came back feeling much better than when I set out. And a fun cap to the afternoon was Ashiah waving at all the pedestrians - her royal wave as my Aunt Di put it this week.
Okay SpongeBob Square Pants is not entertaining PDA so gotta go.
Friday, April 11, 2008
Sleepless in Seattle
I haven't slept in 4 days. No that's not true. Technically I slept for an hour in the underground parking lot in the car this morning when we arrived here in Seattle. Greg had a meeting first thing so we left Vancouver at 7am after my 4th sleepless night, got here, bought a stroller in about 10 minutes and headed for Greg's meeting. We arranged to call each other at 12:30 but low and behold he found Ashiah and I in the car where he'd left us in the car park at just that time. I banked on the fact that Ashiah just kept sleeping and curled up into an uncomfortable ball across the two front seats of our rented Matrix.
Aside from lack of sleep, I suffer from ridiculous motion sickness and after having sat in the backseat with Ashiah for half the drive feeding and entertaining her, I was terribly nauseous and dizzy. I think Greg said "and there's the Space Needle" and I was about as excited about that as I would have been had he said to look at a lamp post. All I want(ed) was(is) to sleep - sleep - sleep. I've also become quite adept at breastfeeding while leaning over her car seat. Smashing good fun watching the looks on drivers faces as they see me most uncomfortably hunched over my child, boob hanging out, my face pressed near the window with a "u better stop staring if u know what's good for u mister " look. But what's pride when faced with a screaming child while stuck in a moving vehicle?
After having lunch at an exquisite Asian fusion restaurant (highlight of the day) Ashiah and I are now holed up in the Crown Plaza while Greg is at another meeting because I have no desire to go and check out what seems like quite a lovely ocean-side city right now - I'm just sitting here waiting for my daughter's next nap. Not to mention I don't want to use the new stroller since we're going to return it for the pink one. I ridiculously reasoned that we couldn't get the funky brown and pink one because who knows if we might have another baby one day and it might be a boy. But even if that were so, then we'd have to chuck this stroller whether it were pink purple or green because we'd need a double since there's no way we're having another kid in like 5 years when Ashiah will likely always walk on her own. It's either in the next 3 or c'est tout.
Do mothers with 2 kids ever sleep actually? Is there a secret mother cloning operation out there I'm not aware of? She just fell asleep. Gotta go.
Aside from lack of sleep, I suffer from ridiculous motion sickness and after having sat in the backseat with Ashiah for half the drive feeding and entertaining her, I was terribly nauseous and dizzy. I think Greg said "and there's the Space Needle" and I was about as excited about that as I would have been had he said to look at a lamp post. All I want(ed) was(is) to sleep - sleep - sleep. I've also become quite adept at breastfeeding while leaning over her car seat. Smashing good fun watching the looks on drivers faces as they see me most uncomfortably hunched over my child, boob hanging out, my face pressed near the window with a "u better stop staring if u know what's good for u mister " look. But what's pride when faced with a screaming child while stuck in a moving vehicle?
After having lunch at an exquisite Asian fusion restaurant (highlight of the day) Ashiah and I are now holed up in the Crown Plaza while Greg is at another meeting because I have no desire to go and check out what seems like quite a lovely ocean-side city right now - I'm just sitting here waiting for my daughter's next nap. Not to mention I don't want to use the new stroller since we're going to return it for the pink one. I ridiculously reasoned that we couldn't get the funky brown and pink one because who knows if we might have another baby one day and it might be a boy. But even if that were so, then we'd have to chuck this stroller whether it were pink purple or green because we'd need a double since there's no way we're having another kid in like 5 years when Ashiah will likely always walk on her own. It's either in the next 3 or c'est tout.
Do mothers with 2 kids ever sleep actually? Is there a secret mother cloning operation out there I'm not aware of? She just fell asleep. Gotta go.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Doomsday fast approaching...
I suddenly loathe June 13th. This is the day I've been told my benefits will run out. And this means that I must go back to work and find someone to look after my 10 month old baby. Nothing and I mean nothing could have prepared me for how sad I feel about this. Granted, we have much better benefits than the US or many other places in the world. I realize that. And granted, I will likely try and find part-time work and hopefully work from home so that I don't have to be away from Ashiah more than necessary. But even as I took my night off tonight and Greg looked after her, I missed her tons. She's become my best little friend, my 24 hour companion for the last 8 months now and it feels as though I will have to part with a limb come June. No, I think that would be easier.
I'm trying to find some positive aspects to it - telling myself how social she is and how happy she is when she gets to play with her nephew or a little girl on our road and how it will add to her development to be with other children. And when we return from vacation (we leave tomorrow for about 2 weeks to Vancouver) we're going to start slowly by having her sat for an hour twice a week by a neighbor on my road who has a little 2 year old Ashiah likes to play with. And slowly I will start to let go of my little girl... can it be so soon!!
Hopefully, please let her take her first steps to me and not a caregiver or I think I'll simply die.
She is SO much fun now, such a little character, so busy, crawling everywhere, into every nook and cranny, removes all the books from the shelves and emptying the cupboard is much fun! She says Dada now when she sees him much to our delight and points to Mama when I ask her where Mama is and points to her toes when we ask her where they are - all massive achievements in the life of an 8 month old and never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined how fascinated I would be with every new achievement in my daughter's life.
And I really don't care much what it is I have to do come June in order to make enough money for us to get by so long as it allows me to be with her as much as possible. I have no career aspirations right now, couldn't care less. I so totally get it now. I'm a mother. I'm Ashiah's mother. And there's no better thing in the world.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Mommy Brain
I think the lack of a full night's uninterrupted sleep for 8 months has finally caught up with me.
I'm so tired and forgetful lately it's ridiculous. About a month ago I locked Ashiah and I out of the house in the minus 30 degree cold. A couple weeks ago I locked us out of the house where we were dogsitting in town (to be fair though the wind slammed the door shut and I didn't have the keys on me). But yesterday took the cake.
I went to the post office and Ashiah was asleep in the car so I didn't want to wake her for a 5 minute stop. I parked next to the door, ran in, got a couple envelopes, explained that my daughter was asleep in the car and asked if I could fill them in the car. No problem. Went back to the car, filled my envelopes and went back inside for stamps. As I returned to the car I couldn't locate the keys. That's because I left them in the locked car. And Ashiah woke up.
I can't explain the sheer utter panic that pierced through my body. I tried every window to no avail. I called Greg at home in a panic and told him to come quickly. By now Ashiah's screaming and I want to cry but am keeping it together so she won't be more upset. Two nice ladies stood with me trying to think of ways to help. If you want to meet your fellow town folk there's no better way than to lock your 8mth old in the car at the post office at rush hour. I'll likely make the local paper.
Anyway, one of the nice ladies went to the garage and came back to say someone was on their way. Greg called the post office and explained he couldn't find his keys. I felt so helpless. I knew she was safe and okay but not being able to get to my crying baby was about the worse feeling I've ever experienced in my life. (She's currently very busy pulling every book off of Daddy's bookshelf, very cute.)
In the end the garage guy saved the day, didn't charge me and I wanted to hug him but didn't. I embraced my daughter and shook hands with the nice lady who stood there talking to me trying to keep my mind off my screaming daughter and the trauma was over.
What a spaz I've become. I never used to lose anything - EVER! I'm a klutz, that's for certain, but I never lost anything. I told my girlfriend the story today and she said that since my daughter was napping I needed to go nap as well. She said to just screw the dishes and whatever else I have to get done and sleep when she sleeps. She's right. I feel rested now. Never could I have imagined that this "mommy brain" thing would become such a reality.
I walk into a room and forget why I went in practically once a day. I go to the store to buy something and return home with 10 other things minus the thing I went for. I've started to write everything down now but forget to look at the notes. It's madness. That coupled with poor Greg's ADD leaves me feeling even more neurotic now.
I considered leaving the house this evening. But then decided against it...just in case.
I'm so tired and forgetful lately it's ridiculous. About a month ago I locked Ashiah and I out of the house in the minus 30 degree cold. A couple weeks ago I locked us out of the house where we were dogsitting in town (to be fair though the wind slammed the door shut and I didn't have the keys on me). But yesterday took the cake.
I went to the post office and Ashiah was asleep in the car so I didn't want to wake her for a 5 minute stop. I parked next to the door, ran in, got a couple envelopes, explained that my daughter was asleep in the car and asked if I could fill them in the car. No problem. Went back to the car, filled my envelopes and went back inside for stamps. As I returned to the car I couldn't locate the keys. That's because I left them in the locked car. And Ashiah woke up.
I can't explain the sheer utter panic that pierced through my body. I tried every window to no avail. I called Greg at home in a panic and told him to come quickly. By now Ashiah's screaming and I want to cry but am keeping it together so she won't be more upset. Two nice ladies stood with me trying to think of ways to help. If you want to meet your fellow town folk there's no better way than to lock your 8mth old in the car at the post office at rush hour. I'll likely make the local paper.
Anyway, one of the nice ladies went to the garage and came back to say someone was on their way. Greg called the post office and explained he couldn't find his keys. I felt so helpless. I knew she was safe and okay but not being able to get to my crying baby was about the worse feeling I've ever experienced in my life. (She's currently very busy pulling every book off of Daddy's bookshelf, very cute.)
In the end the garage guy saved the day, didn't charge me and I wanted to hug him but didn't. I embraced my daughter and shook hands with the nice lady who stood there talking to me trying to keep my mind off my screaming daughter and the trauma was over.
What a spaz I've become. I never used to lose anything - EVER! I'm a klutz, that's for certain, but I never lost anything. I told my girlfriend the story today and she said that since my daughter was napping I needed to go nap as well. She said to just screw the dishes and whatever else I have to get done and sleep when she sleeps. She's right. I feel rested now. Never could I have imagined that this "mommy brain" thing would become such a reality.
I walk into a room and forget why I went in practically once a day. I go to the store to buy something and return home with 10 other things minus the thing I went for. I've started to write everything down now but forget to look at the notes. It's madness. That coupled with poor Greg's ADD leaves me feeling even more neurotic now.
I considered leaving the house this evening. But then decided against it...just in case.
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