Doomsday fast approaching...

I suddenly loathe June 13th. This is the day I've been told my benefits will run out. And this means that I must go back to work and find someone to look after my 10 month old baby. Nothing and I mean nothing could have prepared me for how sad I feel about this. Granted, we have much better benefits than the US or many other places in the world. I realize that. And granted, I will likely try and find part-time work and hopefully work from home so that I don't have to be away from Ashiah more than necessary. But even as I took my night off tonight and Greg looked after her, I missed her tons. She's become my best little friend, my 24 hour companion for the last 8 months now and it feels as though I will have to part with a limb come June. No, I think that would be easier.

I'm trying to find some positive aspects to it - telling myself how social she is and how happy she is when she gets to play with her nephew or a little girl on our road and how it will add to her development to be with other children. And when we return from vacation (we leave tomorrow for about 2 weeks to Vancouver) we're going to start slowly by having her sat for an hour twice a week by a neighbor on my road who has a little 2 year old Ashiah likes to play with. And slowly I will start to let go of my little girl... can it be so soon!!

Hopefully, please let her take her first steps to me and not a caregiver or I think I'll simply die.

She is SO much fun now, such a little character, so busy, crawling everywhere, into every nook and cranny, removes all the books from the shelves and emptying the cupboard is much fun! She says Dada now when she sees him much to our delight and points to Mama when I ask her where Mama is and points to her toes when we ask her where they are - all massive achievements in the life of an 8 month old and never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined how fascinated I would be with every new achievement in my daughter's life.

And I really don't care much what it is I have to do come June in order to make enough money for us to get by so long as it allows me to be with her as much as possible. I have no career aspirations right now, couldn't care less. I so totally get it now. I'm a mother. I'm Ashiah's mother. And there's no better thing in the world.