I can only bring myself to relay this once. I can't talk about it or see anyone for some time...
Yesterday, after a 16 hr difficult labor, we lost our 15 week old son. We had named him Zephyr Glen. Zephyr means a gentle west wind. Glen in honor of Greg's Uncle Glen who passed away.
The uncommon preterm labor was brought on by subchorionic hematomas which detached the placenta from the uterus, causing me to hemorrhage. We were told that to go through a full labor in the second trimester only occurs in 5% of pregnancies.
The first 3 hrs of labor were in a room in the emerg. Morphine, Gravol and Nubane shots were not helping the horrible pain as I begged for help as the contractions had been every 2 mins for 2 hrs and were more painful than anything I endured during my first 30 hrs of labor with Ashiah prior to meds. The pain was apparently caused from the placenta ripping from the uterus. They transferred us to the birthing floor and told us we were in labor and immediately gave me an epidural which froze my left side and leg completely. My heel has yet to get back to normal so am still limping.
After about 9 hrs I was at 5 cms. Although the contractions seemed to have stopped progressing the doctors felt we should induce birth since they felt the baby had not made it because I had lost so much blood. I refused and said I needed confirmation that my baby wasn't alive. They did an ultrasound which I did not look at but Greg did and I needed only to see his face...
They induced me with Oxcytocin and after another 4 hrs I gave birth. I could not bring myself to look at my baby.. After spending some time together sobbing, Greg went to say goodbye to our son and held him in a small blanket. We have arranged to have him buried through a funeral home in a family plot.
The staff, especially 3 of the nurses and one of the surgeons' were incredibly supportive and kind and did the best they could to help us through it all. We have been told that the physical recovery will be about 6 wks.
Ashiah has been looked after by my supportive sister who was at home with us when we left for hospital.
Although our son was only 15 weeks, we had grown very attached to him due to the numerous ultrasounds we had with the complications. Greg had bought him toys on his trips and I had written Greg a father's day letter from his unborn child. I miss my baby terribly inside me today and feel very lost. Hearing other stories of loss is not helpful nor are any words really...
As I lay in bed yesterday when it was all done, I could hear the cries of newborns ring throughout the ward. To labor for so long and not be able to hold your child is something I never imagined could happen to us, let alone a normal miscarriage. It's not something you can prepare for, one day there is life, the next there isn't. We cry till the tears won't come anymore and we cry some more. I can hardly sleep, I only see my baby in my dreams.
As I waited in the wheelchair for Greg to pull up the car, I watched a happy couple load their new baby into their car. The new mother turned and smiled at me and I smiled back because I know how happy she is because we have Ashiah. I can't imagine how horrible we would feel right now without our beautiful daughter.
I hope I've answered any questions you might have. Thank you for giving me the time I need.
1 comment:
“A Pair of Shoes”
I am wearing a pair of shoes. They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes. I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them feel uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some are like me and ache daily as they try to walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don’t hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No one deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes, I am a stronger person.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of someone who has lost a child.
~Author Unknown
Sam...you may not think you want our support, however through experience, I have learned that as women, we need to lean on our friends for strength. Always remember how much you are cared about.
Allie
xo
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