Zephyr Glen - April 3 - July 2, 2010

To bury your child is to bury your heart.

A piece of me was buried today in a little box wrapped in blue velvet in a plot in an old growth cemetery under a tree, along with my grandfather and uncle. To watch my beautiful daughter walk with my tiny son's coffin to his grave was surreal. Ashiah did so well today as we explained that he was too small and therefore he had to sleep for a very long time, there in the ground where it was peaceful. She seemed to accept this, although she wanted to see him...

A kind woman from the funeral home met us with Zephyr today. I requested that she open the box as I wanted to lay eyes on my son... I was not able to hold him after the delivery, I was too weak, too distraught, drugged and exhausted. But today, I knew that I had to see him, to hold him close to me just one last time... The woman was obviously unprepared for this and very nervous as she spent much time preparing me for what I was about to see. And yet when I opened the lid, I laid eyes on the second most beautiful site of my life, next to my daughter. There he lay, so small, so fragile, curled up... he could fit in the palms of my hands. I counted his tiny toes, I examined the contour of his head, of his spine, of his small legs... it was like looking at my broken heart.

Greg and I both broke down as we held each other by the grave. Ashiah found a nearby feather and put it in the ground and then she and I lowered Zephyr together. Greg and Ashiah both threw in some dirt and then we waited for a man to come and cover the grave completely. I struggled to not uncover him and take him with us, it was heart-wrenching...

The emptiness I feel today is so great that I can not possibly imagine what some of the other mothers who have been so supportive of me online have felt when they lost their babies... some to term. It is a suffering like no other I have felt, and I have had my fair share of tremendous loss. He was so active... like Ashiah, he moved a tremendous amount, somersaulting so much that I felt him move at 3.5 mths. And strangely enough, although it took us 9 months to name Ashiah, it took me only 3 to name my son.. I was driving along and it came to me, Zephyr Glen. I named a boy before the girl - it was the opposite for Ashiah, it took us longer to find a boy's name.

Although my head knows why he left my body so early, I am haunted by what I might have done differently, how I might have saved him... I will forever miss my Zephyr, our son.

Rest in peace my baby and know that Mommy and Daddy loved you very much. You will always be with us.