I am considered an outgoing person. What I do for a living is very public. As a facilitator and motivational speaker I am always before an audience, some small, some large, fielding questions, educating and even entertaining. My hobby also happens to be very public as I'm a singer. And like many 'performers' out there, when it comes to my personal life, I am much less outgoing. In parties, family gatherings and other public social settings, I tend to become much quieter, even reserved at times, preferring one-on-one conversations. I am also very discriminate about who I open up with, having been raised as one who supports others, not vice versa.
This aside, for anyone who's given birth before, you will know that it is something you prepare for mentally and physically, just as you do for any performance. Although you don't usually know the exact date, you know that around a certain time, you must prepare for an extremely taxing physical journey and a likely blissful emotional one.
I was prepared for neither 3 days ago. I went to the hospital because a doctor agreed to see me because I was having cramps and had passed another clot. Never in my wildest dreams could I have been prepared for a drawn out painful labor only to come home empty handed. Nor was I prepared for a drawn out recovery period. And when you're not prepared, it is much more difficult to talk or answer questions. I have been in shock, trying to absorb what has just happened.
It is not that I don't need my friends and family. I do, very much. I have just needed some time to make some sense of something terribly unfair. Why me, why now, why experience both the loss and the painful labor at this stage, why did I have to be in the 5%, am I defective, what did I do wrong, should I have held him, am I a good mother are but a few of the questions spinning dizzily round my head, keeping me awake at night, making me nauseous during the day. I try to keep busy to keep my mind off of things but it only weakens me till I can't stand anymore. I was not ready for this and therefore don't know what to say to anyone... what is there to say?
I have connected with others like me on a grief and loss forum. To correspond with other mothers who are grieving has been somewhat helpful, at least to feel less isolated. So far there is only one other mother who has had the same experience as me, her labor was 18hrs and she lost her 16 week old. Others have lost babies past 20 weeks or to term. One mother just lost her 4 mth old to SIDS. They have it worse. But what we do have in common is that we have all lost a child and in this there is a connection, an understanding...
I am extremely grateful to all of you who have written me, even if I have not yet responded, I have read you and loved you for it. Writing seems easier than fielding phone calls or visits right now. Just to know that you care means the world to me. I made my first call last night, to my sister, and will likely make more as the week progresses. I watch Greg and Ashiah sleep and feel ever thankful for the family I have, even if there is now a piece missing.
I just want to say that I mean to cause no hurt by avoiding anyone. Am just reacting to that for which I was unprepared... no script, no rehearsals, I'm taking it day by day.
1 comment:
There is no better or worse. Losing a child is the bottom, it's the low, and there is no place lower. To know your pregnant is to bond with that life, and to lose it anytime after that is such a loss.
as a woman, we know that this is what we are meant to do. We are meant to bring these beautiful lives into the world, and as a woman, we feel as though we have failed.
Sam, grieve how you need to, and never apologize. If there was ever a time to be selfish it is now.
Peace and strength, Cate.
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